


You Were Sorting Some Things Out

by sarawritesthings



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Developing Friendships, Drinking, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Marijuana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-07 14:10:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14672739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarawritesthings/pseuds/sarawritesthings
Summary: Remus Lupin lives with his four best friends and learns to handle the drama amongst them and within himself.





	1. Chapter 1

Soft, golden light peeked through the spruce trees and splayed out on the ground. Remus Lupin crunched his boots in the snow, watching how he sunk into the frozen blanket with each step. It was cold out, but he’d felt worse, as it was only December and the dead of winter was yet to come. Remus lifted his eyes from the ground and peered across the clearing. A few squirrels here and there scurried along the snow, but mostly shrubs and emptiness filled the space. He sighed. This was one of his favorite places to visit, especially on quiet mornings like this when he had woken early and could not get back to sleep. He made his way towards the center of the clearing and sat down on a thin patch of snow in one fluid motion. He sat criss-crossed, placed his hands on his knees, and shut his eyes. Remus didn’t like to talk about it to his friends, but he did this quite a lot. It was one of the few ways he could be truly alone with his thoughts, and sometimes he needed that in order to sort out and process the things going on in his life.

Remus felt a buzz in his coat pocket. He unzipped his jacket to pull his phone out, all while still holding his eyes shut. It wasn’t until his phone was positioned directly in his line of sight that he opened them.

_ Sirius: Where is Moony? _

Remus pulled his thumb out of his glove to type a response.

_ Remus: Last-minute shopping. Will be home soon. _

It wasn’t entirely untrue. Christmas shopping was the real reason Remus had gone out in the first place, but the road through the forest happened to be the quickest way there.

Remus slid his phone back into his coat and shut his eyes once again. The morning air smelled fresh and he relished in the pleasures of the quiet. He noticed the strange sort of heat emanating from his cheeks under the frosty chill of the air. It was like his body was rebelling against the cold. Letting his mind wander, Remus sat there for a while. He thought about his last week of classes, the Facetime call he had had with his parents the day before (“Are you keeping warm enough over there?” “Yes, Mum. No, I don’t need you to knit me a new scarf; I’ve got it covered.”), the nearing holiday, and the previous full moon. After the initial transformation from wizard to werewolf, Remus and his friends had spent the night chasing each other through the forest and swimming in the nearby river. In human form, the water would have been much too cold, but Remus’s friends were Animagi, and so, for all but Peter, who’s Animagus form was a rat, it was nothing to complain about.

A short while later, Remus heaved himself up. After taking one last glance at the clearing, he turned on his heels and walked back into the forest.

Remus arrived at the house, noticing that James’s car was missing from its usual place in the driveway, and swiftly and smoothly stole the spot. He removed the key from the ignition and placed his hand on the steering wheel, letting out a short beep. Once he saw the bedhead tangle of hair that was Sirius poke out through the curtains above the garage, he released it. Sirius waved and Remus motioned for him to come out. The curtain closed and he felt a buzz in his pocket.

_ Sirius: What u want _

_ Remus: Can you help me with some shopping bags, pretty please? _

_ Sirius: Mate it’s colder than fuck outside _

A moment later another text arrived.

_ Sirius: Fine _

Smiling to himself, Remus shifted his gaze towards the house’s front walkway. Moments later, the door opened and out bounced Sirius, wearing a tee-shirt and boxer shorts and nothing else. He scuttled to Remus’s car and vigorously jiggled the passenger door handle until Remus, hardly containing his laughter, unlocked it. Sirius jumped into the seat, rubbing his arms furiously, and landed directly on top of the Broom-Twig Replacement Kit Remus had bought for James.

“Aah, watch it!” he said, trying to shove Sirius to the side. Sirius used his hands to lift himself off the shopping bag and looked at it.

“Sorry!” he said, holding out the now very crumpled bag to Remus. Remus looked at him for a moment, then reached his hands out to take it, a smile creeping onto his face.

“Why didn’t you put some clothes on?” he laughed, examining the sight of the boy - his dark hair was pulled haphazardly into a bun and his teeth were chattering.

Sirius didn’t respond, grabbing two of the larger bags and sprinting back into the house. Remus followed, more slowly, with his remaining purchases. He entered the foyer of his home and hummed fondly when a mixture of pine and cinnamon filled his senses. He removed his coat and hung it on the rack by the door.

Sirius reappeared behind a corner, now wearing sweatpants and positively grinning. Remus raised an eyebrow.

“I looked in the bag,” said Sirius. Remus smacked his arm. Still beaming, Sirius recoiled.

“Okay, what did you find, then?” said Remus.

Sirius grinned even wider. Then he lunged at Remus, embracing him in an aggressive bear hug, and catching him by surprise. Remus made a sound; he was nearly knocked to the floor.

“You got me a Sphinder sled!” Sirius said, ruffling Remus’s hair.

“Yeah, I thought you had enough art supplies already,” said Remus, his voice coming out muffled as his face was smushed in the crook of Sirius’s neck.

Their third roommate, Peter, walked into the room.

“What’s goin’ on here, boys?” he asked. Peter was a stout blond boy, and he was bundled up very warmly. Remus pulled away from Sirius, and Sirius flew towards the thin tree, dressed in red and white, glittering at the corner of the living room.

“Moony got presents,” he said, indicating for Peter to walk over. Remus affirmed this with an “uh-huh,” and chuckled at his childish companions.

“I’ll be right back,” he said to the back of Sirius and Peter’s heads as they rummaged through the two bags. “And stop cheating! I’m still meant to wrap those!”

Remus walked up the stairs and through his bedroom door and was greeted by hickory walls and a partially-made bed. After kicking his snow boots into the corner by the dresser, he tossed his remaining shopping bags onto his bed. He slid himself into his desk chair, causing it to spin around once.

Remus busied himself with wrapping up the gifts. Along with James’s twig kit and Sirius’s sled, he had bought them, Peter, and James’s girlfriend, Lily, several other items. He was just about to finish wrapping a decorative fish-bowl for Peter, who had been talking for ages about wanting to get a pet Plimpy, but had managed to keep putting it off (Remus thought his gift might provide ample motivation), when he was interrupted by Freddie Mercury’s voice traveling up the stairs from the living room stereo. Remus smiled to himself, messily taping the last bit of paper around the package and scribbling  _ FRAGILE (For Wormtail From Moony)  _ before standing up and exiting the room to join his friends downstairs.

Queen was Sirius’s favorite band, and Remus knew that the blasting of their music was a signal for festivities to begin. Lily, having non-magic lineage, had introduced the band to Sirius during their sixth year at Hogwarts, around the time she had started spending time with all of them.

Remus entered the living room to find his two friends pouring spiced rum into three glasses already filled with Butterbeer.

“I haven’t even had breakfast,” said Remus, nudging Peter’s shoulder as he walked to stand next to them. Sirius, who had been in the middle of singing along loudly to  _ The Fairy Feller’s Master-Stroke _ , glanced at Remus, then turned around to grab two blueberry muffins off a tray by the sink and handed them to him.

“Thanks,” said Remus, shoving one muffin after the other into his mouth. “Where’s Jamesy?” Remus grumbled, bits of muffin flying past his lips. He covered his mouth with his hand.

“Picking up Lily,” Sirius responded, handing one of the glasses to him. “We’re starting without them.”

Remus took the glass as he swallowed his last bit of muffin. “Cheers,” he said. He clinked cups with his friends.

“Happy Christmas,” said Peter. The boys sipped at their drinks. Remus leaned against the kitchen bar.

“So what do you say we break in that Sphinder after drinks?” said Sirius. The other two nodded in agreement.

Remus tipped his head back as he finished his drink in one large gulp, and set it on the table triumphantly.

Sirius whooped. “Moony is ready to  _ go _ !”

Remus let out a quiet burp.

Peter and Sirius began chattering about the Quidditch game that had been on the previous night as Remus poured himself another drink. He moved his eyes from one boy to the other as they conversed, accepting their commentary as a sufficient substitute to watching the game.

He had spent the evening with Lily, giving her architectural advice on a miniature village she was building in her room. Because she had enchanted it to have working appliances, fairies had found their way into her house and were now residing on her shelf, making her want to be sure that the buildings were safe to live in. As Remus had taken a Magical Architectural Studies course that term at university, he found it suitable for him to give some general advice.

Remus watched with amusement as his friends became increasingly tipsy, and Sirius wildly gesticulated as he explained the supposed genius of one of the Chudley Cannons’ plays.

As Sirius finished off his fourth drink, he made a sour face, then motioned towards the back door. “Shall we?”

Snow was falling lightly when Remus walked outside, flanked by Peter. The sun was now high in the sky, but shadowed by a thin layer of clouds. Although Remus’s vision was moderately hazy, he felt mostly sober. The two boys began to walk towards a hill a little ways off the trail from their house when the sound of a door shutting behind them signified that Sirius was following close behind with the sled.

“So, how exactly do you use this?” Sirius asked, half-jogging, half-stumbling up to pace with Remus and Peter. His cheeks were flushed from the liquor.

“Well, I assumed you wouldn’t read the instructions, so I asked the saleswitch precisely that question before I bought it. Here, let me see it.” Remus took the circular sled from Sirius. “Yeah, so, you’re supposed to sit on it to slide down a hill, and when you’re nearing the bottom, you lift up on this area here, and then it’ll start to fly.” He glanced at his friend who was tripping over the unevenness of the snow as he walked. “Though, I’m not sure you’re in a fit state to operate something like this.”

Sirius brushed him off and threw an arm over each of his friends’ shoulders. “Prongs better show up soon. I want him to give it a go.”

The hill came into view behind a thick cover of trees. It was something of a steep hill, surrounded on either edge by a sea of rocks, but Remus and his friends had spent many a full moon wrestling around on it, so they were accustomed to it.

Remus looked behind him and laughed when he realized Sirius had laid down in the snow. “Pete, you’d better start us off. I think Padfoot needs to collect himself for a bit.”

Peter looked apprehensive, but took the sled bracingly.

He began to hike up the hill as Remus sat next to Sirius and stretched his legs. He felt thankful for the warmth the rum provided his stomach. Sirius was sprawled on the ground, his hand over his eyes so as to shield the sun.

“All right?” Remus asked him as he watched Peter reach the top of the hill. “Sit up, Wormtail’s about to start.”

Sirius sat bolt upright, then blinked a little bit before leaning back on his elbows. He and Remus gave Peter a thumbs up.

Peter sped straight down the hill, his scarf billowing behind him. As he reached a point several yards from the bottom, he lifted up on the front edge of the sled and it soared into the air.

Sirius leaned forward excitedly as Peter flew towards them in a wobbly arc, his head pointed forward with a very concentrated expression. He declined slowly then touched down several feet away. Remus and Sirius leapt up.

“Brilliant!” Sirius exclaimed, running over to seize the Sphinder from his hands, Remus, the blood rushing to his head from standing up so fast, following close behind. Just then, Remus heard his phone ring from the depths of his overcoat.

“Hold on, I think this is James,” he said, pulling it out. “Hello?”

“Arsehole, that’s my parking spot,” James’s voice rang through the line. Remus laughed. “Where are you guys?”

“Well,” said Remus, “Sirius  _ preemptively  _ opened his Christmas gift.” He shot a reproving look at Sirius. “We’re out by the hill trying it out.” He glanced again at Sirius. “You may want to throw back a few, first, though, if you want to be up to speed. There should be a fifth on the bar.”

“Sounds great. We’ll be there in a bit.”

Remus ended the call. “They’re at the house. On the way soon.”

“Brilliant,” Sirius burped. “I’m having a go now.”

“Okay, it’s your funeral!” Remus shouted after Sirius who had already begun barreling up the hill. “So,” Remus said, turning to face Peter. “How was it?”

“Good gift,” Peter nodded. “Just bloody terrifying with the wind coming down.”

Remus chortled. “Well, good. I’ll have to try it out after him. If he doesn’t die,” he added dryly. He stowed his phone back into his coat and shivered, looking up into the clouds. Snow continued to drift gently down.

Sirius crested the hill. He gave Remus and Peter a wave, grinning madly, then took a running jump into the sled. Sirius came charging down the hill, even faster than Peter had. Remus tried not to make it noticeable to Peter, but he held his breath as Sirius neared the bottom portion, lifted into the sky, and plummeted forward through midair, whooping loudly as he went. Several moments later, to Remus’s great relief, he landed in a smooth skid on the snow, coming to rest directly in front of Remus, and looking thoroughly windswept.

Remus’s turn was next. He marched up the hill with the Sphinder, feeling the gradual increase of snow gather in his curly hair with each step. When he reached the top, he paused for a moment, feeling out of breath. He looked down to see James and Lily walking over to Sirius and Peter. They appeared to have brought the bottle of rum with them. It took a moment for his friends to notice that Remus had crested the hill, Peter being the one to point it out to the others. It looked as though James was yelling something in greeting, but Remus couldn’t make out the words. He shook the build-up of snow out of his hair and placed the sled onto the edge of the hilltop, watching and rolling his eyes as Sirius took what looked like an excessively large swig from the bottle. Holding it in place, Remus sat down on the sled, then pushed himself forward and onto the decline.

Wind rushed past him as he sped down, his eyes burning slightly from the cold gust. But Remus smiled; the ride felt wonderful. He leaned his head forward so as to gain more speed, snowdust flying up around him and biting at his cheeks. His stomach dropped slightly as he approached the place where he knew he would have to start flying, but, without hesitation, he reached his hands under the front edge and pulled hard.

Remus lifted into the air and a rush of adrenaline came over him. This was nearly better than flying on a broom, he thought, as he strayed further and further from the ground. Remus clutched the edges of the sled and held his breath as his arc peaked, then he zoomed downwards, eventually making contact with the ground and sliding smoothly to rest at his friends’ feet.

Breathlessly, Remus greeted them. “Hello James and Lily,” he said through a grin.

“This is the coolest thing!” James shouted, giving Remus a hand to stand up. Remus smiled wider and hugged the bespectacled boy, inhaling the faint scent of alcohol on him.

James gave the sled a try, then Lily, and again the other three boys in succession, everyone taking turns with the rum when it was not their turn to sled.

Cold continued to nip at them as the hour passed on, and Remus felt himself growing tipsier and tipsier between turns of conversation with Lily (“How’s the village coming along?” “Not too good. The fairies are furious with me about the noise we make when we have people over.”), sledding down the hill in increasingly dangerous ways (Remus tried lifting his hands up during the airborne part, encouraged heavily by James and Sirius, only to panic two seconds later and grab an even tighter hold of the sled), and the merriments they sang, cheering on whoever was sledding at the moment.

“GUYS!” Sirius shouted, hurtling towards the group after scarcely coming to rest several feet away from them. Remus and the others looked up as he approached. “I’m going to sled as Padfoot.”

James’s eyes widened inspiredly. Several empty beer bottles (James had conjured them with his wand, being too lazy to run back into the house to get them) lay in between the group who had sat in a circle in the snow. Lily had ignited a small water-resistant fire to warm them up, and Peter had since relinquished any turns to sled in preference of sitting by the flames with his hands outstretched. Sirius grinned as he made eye contact with James, an unspoken excitement amongst them. Remus blinked. It seemed like a bad idea, he thought through the haze of inebriation. Sirius had been the last to master his Animagus transformation, and he still had trouble, sometimes, with the coordination of inhabiting a dog’s body. To attempt to sled down a hill as a dog while intoxicated seemed like a recipe for disaster. He shifted his eyes between his two friends who looked as though they’d found gold, nervous at the prospect of being the one to suggest their idea was a bad one.

“Er-” he said. Sirius’s eyes darted to him. “That’s kind of a shit idea.”

“Don’t worry, Moony, I got this,” Sirius said confidently, dropping the sled at his feet.

“No, this is a great idea,” James said with a grin. He looked at Remus. “Mate, a  _ flying dog _ .”

Remus watched as Sirius screwed up his face and clenched his muscles, and transformed into a large, black dog. Remus nodded, admittedly impressed. The dog trotted over to Remus and licked him sloppily on the face, smelling strongly of liquor, so as to say “I told you so,” and causing Remus to groan in disgust. The dog then seized the Sphinder in its mouth.

As Remus wiped the slobber off his face, the dog took off towards the hill in an uneven, swaying path, and Remus and James stood up to watch more attentively.

The dog bounded up the hill and Remus put his hand inside his coat, feeling for his wand. James looked over at him.

“He’ll be fine, Moony, don’t worry,” he said. Remus scrunched his nose and pulled his wand out anyways.

The dog was crouched at the top of the hill now, the sled placed in front of it. James gave a thumbs up.

The dog stepped into the sled and kicked off with its hind legs, and Remus watched as his friend began accelerating, tongue hanging out and ears blowing back as he picked up speed. It  _ was _ rather cute, Remus had to admit, seeing a sledding dog. When it reached the point that the group had collectively chosen as the most effective place to lift up, the dog used its paw to jerk up on the front edge of the sled.

Seeing the scene as though in slow motion, Remus followed the form of the dog on the sled with his eyes as it took flight. For a brief moment, the dog’s expression was colored with elation, but then it began to drift away from the sled, sending the two floating in opposite directions. It looked as though Sirius had been unable to grab ahold of the sled’s edges without opposable thumbs, and was now tumbling tail over head through the air. Remus stood, frozen, as he watched his friend decline slowly, nearing the bottom edge of the hill, then land with a loud  _ thud  _ onto a rock jutting out of the snow.

“Fuck,” Remus heard James say.


	2. Chapter 2

Suddenly feeling very sober and panic-stricken, Remus broke into a run towards the large heap of fur laying on the snow by the foot of the hill, whispering “Please be okay, please be okay,” to himself as James following closely behind. Remus heard Peter and Lily yelling something from behind him, but he didn’t stop to listen. He approached his friend, and when Sirius transformed back into himself, Remus could immediately tell something was wrong. He looked extraordinarily pale and was curled in on himself, clutching his left shin. Blood was beginning to spread all around it, staining the snow a gleaming red.

“Sirius, are you alright? Look at me,” he said as he and James knelt by him.

Sirius turned his head and looked up at them. He looked as though he was about to be sick.

“Shit. I’m okay,” he said, wincing as he tried to shift his body to face them. “I only hurt my leg.” Remus let out a breath.

“Are you sure?” Remus said as he tried to look at Sirius’s pupils. “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head or anything?” The sounds of footsteps and heavy breathing came up behind him.

“Holy shit,” said Peter as he and Lily hovered behind the scene. Remus tore his eyes away from Sirius and saw James squatting there, gaping open-mouthed at the gash oozing through Sirius’s snow pants.

“Let’s take him inside,” said Remus. He reached down and flung Sirius’s arm over his shoulder and heaved him off the ground. “Are you okay?” Remus asked again, looking at Sirius who appeared to be swaying with dizziness.

“Yes, it’s okay. You don’t all need to come inside,” said Sirius when Lily and Peter started to huddle around him. “Moony can take care of me, right?” he said, attempting a weak version of his mischievous grin.

“Are you sure, mate?” said James, standing up to try and support Sirius’s other side.

“Yeah,” he said. “Fuck.” He had leaned too hard on his hurt leg. Remus grabbed a tighter hold.

“Why don’t you lot clean up out here and put out the fire, then meet us inside?” Remus suggested. Sirius nodded, face still a sickly pale-green color.

Remus supported Sirius’s weight all along the path to the house, thankful that his groans covered up the sounds of Remus’s arduous breathing. Blood trickled down Sirius’s leg and onto Remus’s shoes as Remus scolded himself for gifting such a deathtrap to his reckless friend.

“I had my wand out and everything; I could have slowed you down,” he said quietly as he and Sirius rounded the bend in the trees, the house coming into view.

As they entered the house through the back door, the sounds of Queen exploded in Remus’s ears in a way that seemed highly inappropriate for the situation.

“ _ Silencio _ ,” he said gruffly, flicking his wand at the stereo.

Remus sat Sirius on the sofa, trying to ignore the way Sirius’s blood was staining the living room carpet.

“Stay here for a minute,” Remus said, and ran up the stairs to the bathroom, pulling a bottle labeled  _ Essence of Dittany _ out of the medicine cabinet. He came back down and rushed over to Sirius who continued to look very pale.

Remus kneeled at the edge of the coffee table by the sofa, tugged Sirius’s snow boot off, and began peeling up the leg of his pants. The fabric was too bulky to expose the wound fully, but Remus had to look away when he saw how deep it had punctured.

“Y-” Remus’s voice came out as hardly a whisper. He cleared his throat. “You’re going to have to take off the pants.”

Sirius stared blankly for a moment, then smiled. “It must be Moony’s lucky day,” he said devilishly, though his gaze was unfocused and wavering. Remus felt his ears grow warm at the comment, but ignored it. Sirius tried to lift himself up with his arms, but they collapsed with the effort. He made a frustrated noise.

“Here, let me help you,” Remus said, reaching over to unbutton Sirius’s trousers. He used one of his arms to lift his friend under the armpits and the other to yank his pants down his thighs. He released Sirius back into a sitting position and gingerly removed the rest of the material, wincing when Sirius took a sharp intake of breath as he slid it past the gash.

The wound was massive, cutting down from right below his knee and curving around to stop at the edge of his ankle.

“Shit,” said Remus. He shook his head and unscrewed the dittany bottle and began dropping it generously into the wound, which began to scab over. The process reminded Remus of the way mornings after full moons had used to be. Sirius sighed in relief.

Remus looked up at his friend’s face. It was hard to tell if Sirius was blushing or if he had just spent too much time out in the cold, but an expression of vacant wooziness was most prevalent. Remus stood and rushed over to the kitchen and began rummaging through drawers for a rag.

“I’m really sorry about all the blood, Moony,” Sirius said from the sofa. Remus turned to look at him. He was looking along the path of crimson leading from his spot on the couch to the back door. “And thanks for fixing me up.”

“It’s fine, Padfoot,” he said absently as he produced a cloth from a drawer. He returned back to the couch and began dabbing at the wound with it.

“Really, though,” Sirius said, wincing as Remus poured dittany on an untouched section of the gash. “It’s really gross, and I’m really stupid. I should listen to you more often.”

Remus blew air out of his nose. “You’re just drunk, Sirius.”

“No, I mean it, Moony,” he said earnestly. Remus paused his dabbing to look at him. “Like, this blood is really sickening.”

Remus returned to the wound. “Well, lucky for you, I used to do this kind of thing on myself every month. The blood really is no issue,” he said. The cloth was nearly soaked through with blood and dittany, producing a putrid mixture of smells. After a few moments, he looked up again, and Sirius was staring at him with his brows furrowed. “Sorry,” he said quickly. Sirius said nothing, and Remus averted his gaze back down. Nothing but the sound of their breathing and Remus’s dabbing filled the room.

“Thank you so much for doing this,” Sirius said quietly. Remus didn’t look up.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said. Sirius drew in breath as if to say something more. Remus wished he wouldn’t. The wound had stopped bleeding and was scabbing over tenderly, but Remus continued to dab at it to avoid having to look at Sirius.

“I don’t want it to remind - ,” he said but Remus looked up sharply and Sirius stopped talking. It was evident he was still drunk, but he was watching Remus with an indecipherable look on his face. Remus chewed his lip and began folding up the towel. Now that he sat still and breathed for a moment, he was reminded of the alcohol in his system, too. He shook his head to try and get rid of it and stood up, clearing his throat.

Remus caught the trail of blood on the carpet with his eyes, and took out his wand, tracing its path along the trail. His ears, however, were focused on Sirius. “ _ Scourgify,”  _ Remus said quietly, causing the blood to start to vanish.

“You- well, anyways, Moony, I really appreciate you not letting me bleed out,” Sirius said, adding a light chuckle onto the end of his sentence. Remus busied his eyes with scouring the now spotless carpet for any stray stains. “You’re, like, my best friend. And you mean a lot to me,” Sirius said in a gentle voice that made Remus shut his eyes tightly in a grimace. This statement was absurd. Sirius and James were the closest pair of friends within the group. He was just loopy from the alcohol and injury. 

He turned around finally to look at Sirius, then smiled when he saw him. “That’s real creepy when you’re not wearing any trousers,” he said. Sirius looked at him blankly for a moment, then grinned.

“Actually, it makes it that much more meaningful,” he said with a lift of his eyebrows.

Just then, the back door opened, and Peter, James, and Lily piled through the door.

“How’s he doing?” said James, brushing snow off his coat. He was holding the Sphinder and propped it up against the wall. 

“Oh, he’s good,” said Remus, shoving the conversation out of his mind. “I got the bleeding to stop. I was just about to wrap it in some gauze.” With a wave of his wand, he banished the nursing materials to the laundry room, stepped out of the living room and up the steps.

When Remus returned to the living room with a roll of gauze, he saw James and Lily giggling and whispering to each other in an armchair and Peter lining up the empty bottles at the edge of the coffee table. Sirius looked up at him.

“Wrap this tightly around your leg,” he said, handing him the gauze. 

“What, you’re not going to do it for me?” Sirius asked. Remus shot him a questioning look. “Nothing compares to the gentle caress of Nurse Moony.”

“Tosser,” said Remus, but knelt down to bandage the wound then throw a blanket over Sirius’s exposed legs.

“So,” said James, finally looking away from his girlfriend, “Now we’ve got a cripple in our ranks, how are we spending the rest of Christmas Eve?”

Remus felt a twinge of guilt. It was kind of his fault that Sirius was disabled on Christmas Eve.

“Hand me my wand,” said Sirius, and Peter did so. “ _ Accio _ Firewhiskey!”

“What the fuck?” asked Remus as the bottle flew into Sirius’s hands.

“No, it’s okay. We’re not doing any more sledding so we can get as blasted as we please. Here, sit down,” he said, pulling Remus onto the couch.

“That’s a good idea. And we can play Pizza Box!” said Peter.

Holiday music filled the house as the day wore on. The group entertained Peter’s drinking game for a while, resulting in Sirius removing even more of his clothing, Remus wearing Lily’s bra, and Peter giving James a lap dance, among other things. Merriment filled the air, James threw up once or twice, Lily and Remus called in takeout as nobody was sober enough to cook or even reheat anything, and at one point Peter accidentally sat on Sirius’s hurt leg, causing both of them to scream.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Remus awoke the next morning with a pounding headache, and when he opened his eyes, realized he was sprawled out on the living room floor. He sat up slowly and surveyed the room - Sirius laying on the couch with his leg wrapped up, breathing gently, Lily’s stomach supporting James’s head, and Peter curled up near the long-dead fireplace. The Christmas tree glittered in the corner. 

Remus clutched his head; the faint light shining through the icicles hanging from the back balcony sent painful pangs to his brain. Moving sluggishly, he stretched his arms then reached over to pick up his phone. It was six. He let out a low groan. Moving very slowly, he stood up.

Remus tiptoed around his friends and toward the staircase. Blood pounded in his ears as he trudged up to his bedroom and creaked open the door.

Strewn all across his bed and the carpet were the materials from his gift-wrapping and the finished gifts. Remus picked up one gift after the other and balanced them in his arms, eventually creating a precarious stack that he could hardly see around as he carried them back down the stairs.

Remus kicked empty Chinese takeout containers away as he approached the Christmas tree and set his pile down, and strategically began to place gifts around the tree skirt.

“I would help you…” said Sirius’s sleepy voice. Remus turned around.

“Did I wake you?”

“Yeah,” he yawned. “But it’s all right.” His face broke slowly into a dopey smile. “Merry Christmas, Moony!”

“Keep it down,” Peter grumbled miserably from the fireplace.

“Sorry!” Sirius whispered. Remus walked over to sit next to him.

“Merry Christmas to you, too,” he said, propping his feet up on the coffee table. “Your leg feeling any better?”

Sirius nodded, “Loads. Ah - my head is giving me hell, though.”

“You’re telling me,” said Remus.

“D’you want me to make my Hangover Potion?” asked Sirius. Remus snorted.

“And how exactly do you suppose you’re going to stand up long enough to do that?”

Sirius looked down at his leg. “Oh… right…”

Remus leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes to try to ease some of the throbbing pain. He felt a finger touch his cheek.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his eyes flying open.

“Oh, you just had an eyelash,” said Sirius, holding it out in front of Remus’s face. “Make a wish.”

“What?”

Sirius blinked. “What do you mean, what?”

“Is that a thing, making wishes with fallen-out eyelashes?” said Remus.

“Yeah. C’mon,” he said, pushing his hand closer to Remus’s face.

Remus stared at the thin strand of hair balanced on Sirius’s fingertip.

“What, do I eat it?” he asked. Sirius looked at him incredulously for a moment then burst into laughter.

“Christ, Sirius, shut it!” groaned Lily from the floor. Remus was smiling in response to Sirius’s glee, but whacked him with his hand to silence him.

“I’m guessing I don’t do that,” he whispered, and Sirius shook his head, eyes still alight in amusement.

“It’s simple, Moony. You make a wish and you blow on it. Like a dandelion.” He retracted his hand. “You do know what a dandelion is, right?” he said. Remus whacked him again.

“Okay, I wish that Sirius would stop being such a prat. And that he could make me a Hangover Potion,” said Remus, and he blew the eyelash off of Sirius’s finger. It flew several inches away then drifted slowly to the floor.

“Well, you can’t say it aloud, so now it won’t come true,” said Sirius.

“You know, I’m not too surprised about that first part - it seemed a long shot. Bummer about the potion, though. I think we all need it,” said Remus, gesturing to his friends strewn all across the carpet.

They had a nice, quiet Christmas. Around midmorning, calls from parents started coming in.

“Hi, Mum!” James said excitedly into his receiver. “Merry Christmas! Yeah… Mmhmm… Me and the lads and Lily are just hanging out… Mmhmm… Yes, I got it… Okay, sure, here’s Sirius.”

“Hi, Mum,” said Sirius. Remus and Lily exchanged a smile. “Happy Christmas to you, too!”

Sirius had run away from his family back when they were students of Hogwarts, and James’s family had taken him in as their own.

“…Oh, that sounds very nice… Yes, it arrived … Okay, love you too… Talk to you soon… Bye.

“Your mum asked about the gifts,” he said.

“Reckon we should start opening some?” said Lily who was leaning sleepily against James.

They opened presents around the coffee table since Sirius couldn’t comfortably sit on the floor around the tree with his injured leg. James and Peter both seemed to love the gifts Remus got for them (“Doesn’t make sense to have a fish bowl now without a fish, right Wormtail?”).

“That’s for the village,” Remus said after Lily unwrapped the Frostless Snow Kit he’d gifted her.

“This is great, Remus,” she said, leaning across James and Sirius to hug him.

Sirius had given Remus a Suspendable Egg Chair that he planned to put immediately to use with the  _ Book of Cursed Books _ Lily had gotten for him. James’s mother had sent a very large container of mince pies along with some Zonko’s products to joyfully remind them all of their younger days. Everyone was put into a very happy mood at this, and Remus only felt a little irritated when James and Sirius exchanged gifts that sent both of them into fits of laughter but didn’t quite make any sense to any of the others.


	4. Chapter 4

Term had commenced once again with the end of the Christmas holidays, and Remus found himself poring over his  _ Linguistics of Incantations  _ text one Friday evening in a desperate attempt to cram for his upcoming final exams.

“Why don’t they let us take exams  _ before _ the holidays?” Remus muttered to the empty living room. He had studied persistently before the break had begun, finding it difficult not to stress about it, but had granted himself the break to not look at his school papers even once. Now that Christmas was over, however, he was finding himself inclined to do just as much cramming as he would have despite having covered nearly everything before.

James appeared behind the couch, surveying the book on Remus’s lap.

“Haven’t you got any studying to do?” Remus asked, looking up to see how not-at-all-stressed-looking James was.

James waved his hand vaguely and set his mug down on the side-table. “I don’t really need to study. And besides, we’ve got a few weeks still. Do you want any help?”

Nodding, Remus scooted over to make room for James on the couch.

He retrieved his notes from his bag, asking James to quiz him on several of the terms.

“All these fuzzy classes you’re taking…” James mumbled with a grin, reading over the list of prefixes and roots.

The night drew on - around seven, James’s phone rang.

“Lils wants to know if I’m free,” he said, covering the receiver end with his hand.

Remus dismissed James, thanking him for his help, and promising to return the favor anytime he needed it. Peter came in and out a few times to retrieve snacks from the kitchen, but he was mostly holed up in his bedroom studying as well.

By eight-thirty, Remus had switched to reviewing for his Magical Psychiatry exam, when he heard Sirius’s motorbike pull into the driveway. Remus didn’t bother to look up when he heard the door open with a gust of cold air, but grumbled a “Hey,” over his shoulder. Sirius didn’t respond. Finding this strange, Remus turned around.

“You okay?” he asked, when he took in the sight of him. Sirius’s jaw was clenched and he seemed to be redder-faced than usual. After standing there for a moment, he threw his school bag into the corner and stomped over to the couch.

Hovering in the space between the couch and the coffee table, Sirius opened his mouth as if to say something, but paused when he noticed the books and papers littering the room. “Actually, it’s okay, Moony, you’re busy.”

Remus shifted his body to face Sirius and closed his book. “Sit,” he said.

Sirius hesitated for a moment, but then sat on the edge of the coffee table and looked at Remus, his chin in his hand. Silence filled the room as Remus waited.

“I’m just a little peeved is all,” Sirius finally said.

Remus sat still, waiting for him to go on.

He stood and began pacing. “Okay, well, you know how Prongs and I usually go out on Fridays?” Sirius stopped and looked down at Remus, who nodded. He resumed pacing. “Well, I called him right after I got out of Enchanted Pottery and he was just like, ‘Oh, shit Pads, Lily’s cooking me dinner.’ And he didn’t apologize at all.”

“He was actually with me earlier when she called,” said Remus.

Sirius paused again. “Oh, okay.”

“I’m not excusing him or anything, it’s just that I remembered that,” Remus added when Sirius made an irritated expression. “I think he may have forgotten you had plans.” James had hardly stopped to think before accepting Lily’s invitation.

“Wow, great,” Sirius said with a snort. He looked over at Remus, who was struggling to restrain his concern. “I mean, I guess going to the same club every weekend might not have made it the biggest deal in the world… but he’s been spending so much time with her! It’s like, does he even live in this house anymore? And we just mean nothing to him anymore, or, I don’t know. He’s just being a dick.”

“I definitely see what you’re saying, Sirius. Today he was helping me with homework and it was the most I’d seen of him all week,” said Remus. He hesitated, chewing his lip. Then he said, slowly, “You do have to remember, though, that this is kind of what happens when one member of a friend group enters a relationship. But it helps that at least Lily is our friend too, right?”

“So, what?” Sirius was standing again. “He’s being an arsehole! Are you on his side? Just because you have some weird complex with James, doesn’t mean you need to make up excuses for him!”

Remus’s stomach lurched at this comment, but he maintained his composure because, although he really disliked being yelled at, he knew Sirius wasn’t really angry with him. And he wasn’t wrong. Remus did have a bit of a complex with James.

“Shit. Fuck. I’m sorry, Moony. I know you’re just trying to make me feel better. I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s okay.” There was an awkward silence as Sirius scratched the back of his head. “You didn’t mean that thing about there being sides, though, right?” Remus said after a few moments.

Sirius had stopped pacing and sat back down on the edge of the coffee table. His expression faded from angry to despondent, posture drooping and gaze pointed to the floor.

“No,” he said after a while. “Prongs is my best friend. And I guess I really shouldn’t expect him to go around handing out polite excuses to his mates.” He looked around the room, his eyes eventually settling on Remus. He smirked. “I kinda get it, really. Like, I shouldn’t be surprised, I mean. This is Prongs fucking  _ Lily _ we’re talking about. I think I was just looking forward to actually doing something fun tonight.”

Remus felt a slight twinge. Was he not capable of being fun? Maybe Sirius just assumed that he had a lot of studying to do, based on the state of the room, Remus reasoned. That was probably it.

“Sirius, I’m sorry this happened. And maybe you don’t need me to tell you this, but I think it’s perfectly reasonable, asking him to make an apology to you, or at least warn you before he cancels plans.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Remus moved to the edge of the couch and motioned for Sirius to sit by him.

“Tell you what. I’ve spent,” Remus glanced at the clock above the fireplace, “probably about four hours studying. It’s time for a break. You wanna hang out?”

Sirius smiled, swinging around to sit next to him. “I always wanna hang out.”

“Okay. Well, I may not be super fun to party with,” Remus said with a nudge to Sirius’s side, “but we can get high and do something else.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Remus retrieved his bong from his bedroom, and when he returned, he saw that Sirius had removed his leather jacket and was leafing through Remus’s notes. He cleared his throat loudly.

Sirius turned around. “I was just looking at your doodles.”

“Padfoot, I have a reputation! Don’t embarrass me like that,” Remus said, sitting back down next to Sirius and snatching the papers out of his hands.

“What d’you mean, Moony? They’re cute!” he responded. He took the bong from Remus.

“They may be cute,” Remus said with a half-smile, “but I always feel like you’re judging my shading technique or something.  _ Accio _ bud,” he said, conjuring a mason jar full of leafy marijuana from the mantlepiece with his wand.

Remus opened the jar and began to break off bits with his fingers, and bent over slightly to pack them carefully into the bowl piece. When he finished, he looked up to see that Sirius had been staring at him intently.

“I’ll light you,” Remus said, brandishing his wand again and pointing its tip into the bowl. Sirius placed his lips in the bong’s mouthpiece and inhaled as Remus instructed him. After he pulled his face away from the bong to inhale more deeply, Remus took it in his hands and finished off the remainder of the smoke inside. Sirius let out a loud, phlegmy cough.

“Damn it, Padfoot!” Remus laughed. Sirius began hacking, and Remus chuckled at him, lighting the bowl once again for himself. Remus let out a smooth stream of smoke and handed Sirius a glass of water that was sat on the coffee table. Sirius gulped the entire glass appreciatively.

“D’you wanna watercolor?” he said in a wheezy voice, waving his hand in decline when Remus made to hand him the bong again. “Gimme a sec,” he said, then coughed lightly into his elbow.

“Yeah, I’ll watercolor, but I’m not letting you look at anything I make.”

“Okay, yay,” Sirius said. He held one hand to his chest and wiped tears out of his eyes with the other. He then stood and walked from the couch through the corridor left of the kitchen into his room. Remus began clearing the coffee table of his books and papers, placing them back into his bag. He heard Sirius’s voice down the hall.

“Pete, you wanna smoke and paint?”

And then Peter’s voice, “Fuck you, mate, not everyone is an art student who doesn’t have essays to write.”

“Actually, I did have essays. Magical Art History. But I finished them. And it’s Friday night. Maybe don’t be such a wart for once and do something fun.”

“I have to get good marks this quarter or they won’t let me take my term abroad next quarter!”

Remus heard what sounded like a farting noise issued by Sirius’s mouth followed by a book being thrown at Sirius.

Sirius reappeared in the living room with a grin and his arms full with brushes, canvas paper, and his watercolor set. Plopping onto the couch, he said, “Tonight’s theme is Friends Who Don’t Ditch You For Their Girlfriends, But Instead Smoke a Shitload and Indulge Your Favorite Activities.”

Remus laughed nervously. “You- you’re going to paint me?”

Sirius poked Remus’s cheek, which had gone blush. “More like... Essence of Moony.”

Remus hesitated for a moment, then shrugged, “Okay. I’m just going to paint some trees.”

He stood and lit the fireplace with his wand, sending up large, exuberant flames, then walked over to the stereo system and plugged his phone into the cord.

“Hippo Campus okay?” he asked, glancing back at Sirius who nodded. Remus shuffled the band, then sat down on the floor by the coffee table, opposite Sirius. He had already opened the watercolor paints and was wetting his brush.

The pair worked silently for a while, Remus trying hard to avoid looking at Sirius’s painting. He concentrated hard on his trees. They were shapeless and too gray.

He allowed his mind to wander to what Sirius had said earlier about Remus having a complex with James and felt small rushes of discomfort about this. Was he that transparent? He didn’t want Sirius, or anyone, to think he had a problem with James. James was one of his closest friends, and he was really a lot of fun… 

“Moons,” Sirius whispered, interrupting  _ Boyish _ and Remus’s thoughts. Remus had painted about ten different pictures of mediocre-looking forests, but Sirius had spent all the time still working on the singular piece, alternating between painting it with the brush and bewitching aspects of it with his wand. Remus looked up and couldn’t help but let out a snort when he saw Sirius.

“You’re high as fuck,” he said. Sirius grinned.

“Moons, can we order a pizza?”

Remus stifled another laugh. “Are you serious?”

Sirius stared blankly for a moment, then grinned even wider. “Well, yeah. I am.”

“You hardly even smoked a bowl!” he said, marveling at how intoxicated he appeared.

Sirius didn’t seem to hear him. “I’m gonna order a pizza - PETER, YOU WANT PIZZA?” he shouted. Remus covered his ears.

“Jesus Christ, Padfoot.”

Peter’s voice traveled down the hall. “SAUSAGE, PLEASE!”

Sirius giggled.

“Sirius, do you want me to -” Remus began, but then stopped. “Actually, no, I want to see you attempt to call in a pizza right now.”

Sirius dialed the shop and ordered a large sausage pizza, giggling madly all the while, but only forgetting the reason he was calling a couple times. He returned to his painting.

The waxing moon had risen high into the sky outside, and Remus had long since abandoned his paintbrush, resorting to feeble attempts at casting charms on his pictures to make the trees appear to be swaying in the wind. It was giving him a very difficult time.

“Padfoot, do you think you could help me?” he said in frustration after yet another failed attempt. He looked up, but Sirius was fast asleep, laying on the sofa with his head on his arm. Remus glanced at the wall clock. It was one in the morning.

The three boys in the house had devoured most of the pizza, but Remus seized the last piece as he got up off the floor and sank back into the couch, lifting Sirius’s feet and then resting them in his lap. He pulled his  _ Advanced Psychiatric Antidotes and Spells _ book back out of his bag, picking up where he had left off before Sirius had come home.

Remus tried to study for a while, but kept losing focus. After rereading the same sentence ten times and still not retaining any information, Remus finally put the book down on the coffee table. Sirius’s painting caught his eye.

He looked over at Sirius to make sure he was fast asleep, then picked up the paper delicately. A surge of affection for Sirius rushed over him when he saw the array of breathtaking, wintry colors swimming in swirls across the page. Sirius had chosen a palette of dark browns and deep blues for the picture’s background, making up an impressionistic scene Remus could only describe as elegant. Shining, silver streaks illuminated certain areas of the picture, appearing like moonlight reflected off a rippling, midnight pond. Remus felt his face grow warm. He looked at the painting a moment longer, then placed it back down on the coffee table, propping his book up as to shield it from his view.

Remus couldn’t help but wonder if, had James been there that night, Sirius would have ever thought to create something inspired by Remus. An Essence of James would certainly be less dark, he thought. He rejected a thought wishing the work had not come out so beautiful.

Sirius stirred in his sleep. Remus jumped slightly, having been so lost in his thoughts he’d forgotten Sirius was laying partially on him. Suddenly very aware of this fact, Remus gently shoved Sirius’s legs into a bend and moved to the edge of the sofa.

“Mmm- you have to do the charms while it’s wet,” Sirius murmured. Remus’s breath hitched. Had Sirius seen him look at the painting? No, he was certainly asleep a minute ago. As though to assuage his concerns, Sirius let out a snore.

“Oh, you’re sleep-talking,” Remus muttered quietly. As his pulse returned to its normal pace, he smiled fondly at his friend. Sirius’s eyelashes were tickling across his cheeks; he was dreaming.

“Mm-moon,” Sirius mumbled. Did he just say Moon? Remus fixed his eyes on Sirius’s lips, waiting for them to move again. “Mm-Moony.” He had definitely heard his name. Then, quite clearly, Sirius said, “I’d ditch James to fuck you.” Remus froze.

“ _ What? _ ” he said, louder than he intended. Sirius’s eyes flew open.

“What’s going on?” he asked, eyes darting around the room. Remus could feel his own eyes widen.

“Um, uh-” he stammered, flushing. Sirius propped himself up on his elbows.

“Are you okay, Moony?” 

“Yeah. Yes. Sorry. I thought I saw something through the window. It’s fine,” he said hastily.

“Is there someone outside? Should I go out there?” Sirius said, suddenly adopting a protective stance and glaring through the window. Remus felt himself going redder.

“No, no, it’s fine. I was mistaken. There’s nothing there. Go back to sleep,” he said firmly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “Okay.” 

By now, the fire had died out, and Remus told Sirius it was late, and that he ought to get to bed himself, nearly tripping up the staircase on his way there.

Remus shut his bedroom door behind him quickly and leant against it, breathing heavily.

“What the hell?” he whispered.

Remus laid awake in bed for a long time, replaying in his mind what he had heard Sirius say. Or, what he  _ thought _ he had heard. Maybe he had misheard him completely. Maybe Remus’s mind was playing tricks on him. But why would his mind make up a thing like that? Sure, it made some sense for Remus to want Sirius to pick him over James for once, but in  _ that _ context?

By the time Remus fell asleep, it was nearly sunrise, and he had decided that it was best to put the incident as far from his mind as he possibly could.


	5. Chapter 5

Saturday snowed heavily. The downfall began around ten when Remus emerged from his bedroom to ground coffee beans in a silent house. Much to his dismay, the memory of the previous night did not vanish, and questions about what the hell that was all about nagged at his tired brain as the smell of coffee filled his lungs.

Remus sat on the couch and closed his eyes, cursing himself silently for his restlessness the previous night. He was grateful, however, that his roommates were out of the house today. He did not think he could face Sirius without showing at least some signs of awkwardness, and he didn’t ever want Sirius to know what he had thought he’d heard.

Remus opened his Magical Psychiatry notes and noticed that Sirius’s painting was still sitting on the coffee table. Remus shoved it underneath one of the couch cushions and tried to start reading, but the thoughts were unrelenting. Had Sirius actually said that? Surely he didn’t mean it if he had. But why on earth would Remus mishear that? What sick, twisted part of his brain was so jealous of Sirius and James’s friendship that it would make him think he’d heard  _ that _ ?

Remus closed his book after deciding he needed to make a trip to the clearing in the woods when the front door burst open with a bang. Remus whipped his head around.

“Who’s ready to plan another Marauder’s full moon!” James shouted, shaking snow out of his hair and tossing his broomstick by the coat rack.

Remus had been so distracted with ruminations about the previous night that he had completely forgotten it was fifteen days to the full moon. This would also mean he would have even less focused time to get his studying done, as their plans were sometimes elaborate and could take a while to hash out.

“How was…” Remus began, but his stomach lurched when he saw Sirius appear behind James. “Er,” he cleared his throat, staring pointedly at James. “How was practice?”

“Not bad. Though the weather is truly shit for Quidditch. Couldn’t see half an inch in front of my own face,” he said.

Remus nodded, not bothering to ask what Sirius had gotten up to that morning in hopes of still being able to avoid looking at him.

James went off to shower.

“Okay,” Sirius said after removing his jacket. He slid onto the sofa. Sirius stared unblinkingly at Remus, a smile teasing at his lips. “I’m thinking we go cliff-jumping,” he said.

“Okay,” said Remus stupidly, disconcerted by Sirius’s gaze. Sirius frowned.

“What, no witty comeback about how I’m trying to get us all killed?” he said with an expectant raise of the brow.

“Where’s Peter?” asked Remus, changing the subject.

“Dunno. You all right, Moony?” said Sirius.

“Yeah, I only just woke up. Still half-asleep,” he said. He forced an unconvincing yawn and picked up his book once again, fixing his eyes to an image of a witch sitting in a therapist’s room.

The door opened again.

“Remus, I did it!” Peter yelled into the room, snow blowing into the foyer behind him. He was holding the fish bowl Remus had bought him for Christmas, and inside was a plump fish with duck feet, waddling around looking harassed.

“Good lord, Pete, I hope you put a Warmth Charm on that thing,” Remus said, trying to ignore Sirius’s offended gaze still fixed on him.

“Yeah, yeah, I got it,” Peter said, not bothering to remove any of his snow-gear, and bustling over to the couch to place his pet on the coffee table. “What shall we name him?”

Remus chuckled. “I think that’s up to you.” He could see Sirius frowning out of the corner of his eye.

“Well, I did have one idea. I thought he looked a bit like old Slughorn, what with the roundness and the way he sorta - ” Peter made a wobbling motion, rendering him very similar to a penguin in his winter coat and pants. Remus laughed.

“Yeah, I definitely see it,” he said. “Horace the Plimpy. Perfect.”

Sirius’s had not adjusted his eyes this entire time, and he was glaring at Remus with scrutiny. James returned to the room, hair flicking raindrops as he pulled on a jumper. He flicked his wand at the fireplace, lighting it.

“So, what ideas have we had?” he said, joining the conversation.

The planning took a while, most of the ideas coming from James and Sirius, who seemed to have abandoned his uncomfortable examination of Remus once James had entered the room. Remus continued to avoid Sirius’s gaze as much as possible, mostly staring pointedly at James when feeling the need to interject. Luckily, James did not pick up on anything strange about this.

“This’ll be good,” said James, stretching his arms. The group had finally settled on a rough plan for the evening, and Remus found himself, quite as usual, less threatened by the idea of his coming werewolf transformation with the knowledge that he would be enjoying himself very shortly after.

“Well, boys, I’m going to go meet the lady for lunch,” said James, purposing an empty mug as a paperweight, and placing it on the rough sketch they had made of the community park’s security troll schedule. They had paid particular attention to when the trolls would be nearby the ice rink, causing several qualms related to Sirius’s recent injury to appear in Remus’s mind, but eventually agreeing to it, as it did sound rather fun, and he didn’t feel like expressing any sort of thought about Sirius at the moment.

“Oh, yeah, you haven’t seen her in ages, have you?” said Sirius dryly, but James only grinned.

James left the house, loudly speeding away from the driveway, and Peter, still adorned in his winter clothes, picked up Horace’s bowl and said he was going to practice his Materializing Spells in order to try and decorate the Plimpy’s habitat. Peter walked jauntily from the room, leaving Remus alone, once again, with Sirius.

“Well, better start back on the books…” he said, and turned away from Sirius, who began to look at him closely again.

“Moony, what’s going on?” he said, moving over to sit on the sofa again. As he sat down, there was a crinkling sound. Sirius lifted the cushion up and pulled out his painting. “Why is this in here?” he said.

Remus felt his eyes widen as he watched the painted lake swirl in shining color. 

He searched his brain frantically for an excuse.

“Er, sorry, I must’ve shoved it in there by accident when I was cleaning up,” he said, realizing immediately how false it sounded. He grimaced as he forced his friend, once again, to adopt a very offended facial expression.

“Honestly, if you really didn’t like it, you could have just said so…” he said.

“No!” said Remus. “Shit, no, that’s not it at all. It’s gorgeous, really. I mean it.” He paused; Sirius still looked unconvinced. “Look, Sirius,” he began, and took a slow breath. “The truth is… it’s such a gorgeous painting, really… I just found it a little overwhelming is all. You know how I can get about stuff sometimes, right?” he said, suddenly feeling very guilty. Thankfully, Sirius’s face seemed to soften.

“Oh. Oh, okay,” he said, with a hint of a smile. “Is this why you’re acting so bizarre?”

Remus felt himself blush.

“Er… yeah…” he said. “Sorry.”

Sirius ruffled Remus’s hair, causing his heart to jump in his throat and said, “I should’ve known,” now fully smiling.

Sirius left Remus alone after this, promising sarcastically to never again express his appreciation for Remus, and leaving Remus feeling guiltier than ever. He stared at the painting as the fire crackled and told himself he would hang it up in the foyer later to make sure Sirius knew he liked it, but was reminded very aggressively of the other thing Sirius had done the previous night that had made him uncomfortable.

Deciding he desperately needed some fresh air now, Remus pulled on his winter coat, calling his goodbye as he walked out into the falling snow. He took his car slowly to the edge of the forest, squinting through the blistering snow and humming along gently to Radiohead. He sat in the clearing for a long time with an umbrella magically fixed above him and tried to calm his mind of all the confusion he was feeling. He repeatedly reminded himself of ways and reasons he could resume acting very normal around Sirius, trying to write off the previous evening as a weird night, but unable to keep his mind from returning to it. When sitting still became too much, he took a long stroll through the dense trees, practicing Levitating Charms on leaves and twigs as he walked through the dark wood.

Eventually settling on the decision to forcefully ignore the fact that anything had happened, Remus emerged from the forest, feeling very tired and completely run dry of thoughts.


	6. Chapter 6

The next few days passed by with more ease than Remus had hoped for. With classes and everything, he found himself not needing to be around Sirius very much. In the moments when they were together, he did all he could to act normal, and it didn’t seem that Sirius noticed anything was off. However, when Friday night came around, Remus denied going out with his friends, thinking that the idea of being drunk around Sirius, or Sirius being drunk around him, might not be the wisest.

Sirius, James, and Peter all left the house, leaving Remus feeling somewhat miserable that he couldn’t join them. But he didn’t much like dance clubs anyways. The clock ticked monotonously through the silent house as Remus flipped through the pages of his Environmental Ramifications of Magical Practices notes.

He yawned as he began a chapter about Vanishing Spells and rubbed his eyes. Adjusting himself to be more comfortable, Remus reclined horizontally on the couch with his book propped up on his chest.

_ When objects are Vanished, depending on the composition of the object’s material, invisible residue can be left in its wake…  _

Remus woke gently, eyes half-lidded when he came to. He noticed his body gently bobbing up and down. He seemed to be moving, and there was a strong shoulder supporting his head. He looked up drearily at the blurred image of Sirius.

“Shit, I didn’t want to wake you,” Sirius said softly once their eyes made contact.

“Mm,” Remus hummed, letting his eyelashes tickle his cheeks once again. They moved up the stairs and into Remus’s bedroom where Sirius set him down into his bed as he began to regain his faculties. Blinking, Remus sat up, and hit his head against the headboard. Sirius was leant back on his elbows at the foot of the bed.

“Did you carry me up the stairs?” Remus said, rubbing the sore spot on his head.

“Yeah,” said Sirius, eyes taking in the contents of the room.

“When did you get home?” Remus asked, glancing out the window. It was still very dark and snow spattered against the window in a gentle silence.

“Not long ago,” Sirius said.

“Why did you carry me up the stairs?”

Sirius smiled. “You fell asleep with a textbook on your face. I just thought you’d rather sleep in your bed than on the couch, so I wanted to help you out.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks,” said Remus. He shifted awkwardly. “Did you have fun tonight?” he asked.

“Not really,” Sirius said. “You?”

“Ha - no.”

Remus yawned.

“Okay,” Sirius said with a short nod. “Well, I’ll let you sleep.”

He stood and turned around, leaving the door open a crack after walking through.

Remus gazed into the black space between the door and the crown moulding and realized he had to ask him. “Sirius?” Remus said in a voice that sounded like a choke and cringed internally the moment the word passed his lips. He could see the faint silhouette of Sirius reappear in the doorway. Remus hesitated. “Well… I’m not really tired anymore, now you’ve woken me up.”

Sirius walked back into the room and hovered innocently in the corner.

“Er, are you?” Remus added when Sirius didn’t say anything.

“No, I can hang out,” he said, and walked over to Remus’s bedside. “Scoot,” he said, sitting half his body on the edge of the bed.

“Oh, okay,” said Remus and he moved over. Sirius situated himself face-up next to him, staring at the ceiling. Unsure of what to do, Remus shifted his eyes around the room.

“Lie down,” Sirius invited, turning his eyes up at Remus. A stray piece of dark hair ghosted his eyebrow and he brushed it away.

“Okay,” Remus said. He felt his heart beating rapidly as he shuffled his body so he was also laying horizontally. “So… what did you guys do tonight?” he asked to the ceiling.  _ You called him in here to ask the question _ , Remus said to himself.

“It was all right,” said Sirius. “I was driver, so it was a little bland, I guess, but Pete met a bird and danced with her a bit. He was really twitchy about it though, so it didn’t last very long.”

Remus fidgeted with the hem of his shirt.  _ So he’s completely sober. Ask him,  _ he thought.

“Oh, that’s cool,” said Remus vacantly.

_ You bloody coward, ask him! _

“Yeah, I wish you could’ve come, though,” said Sirius.

“Yeah, well, you know, I’ve got exams and all…”

Remus felt his throat tighten.  _ Just form the words, arsehole. _

“It’s not a lot of fun to watch James and Lily be nauseating all night. Could’ve used a dancing buddy. I mean, Pete’s no good,” Sirius said, nudging Remus lightly.

_ Just fucking say it. _

“Sirius?” Remus blurted. His heartbeat quickened even more.

“Yeah?”

“I, er, wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay. What is it?”

Remus hesitated for a moment on Sirius’s inquisitive gaze. Then, mustering up all of his courage, he blurted out, “I heard you sleep-talk last night.” He scrunched up his face and held his breath. Sirius did not speak for several seconds. He looked surprised.

“I-I did what, now?” he said, glancing once at Remus, then fixating his eyes back on the ceiling.

“Sleep-talked,” Remus repeated slowly. Sirius, very uncharacteristically, was blushing furiously. It seemed to Remus that seeing his friend look so nervous was starting to make him feel rather calm in contrast. Sirius appeared to find Remus’s ceiling to be the most fascinating thing in the world and continued to remain silent. “Sirius, look at me,” said Remus after a few seconds.

Sirius’s eyes flicked up. Remus sat up and Sirius followed suit.

“I heard you say something in your sleep, and I need to ask you about it,” Remus said.

“Okay,” Sirius said.

“Okay, well, this was after we talked about James ditching you because he was with Lily, and, er -” Remus considered whether he should quote Sirius directly or not, to save both of them from embarrassment, but decided it necessary in order to receive a proper response. “Well, you said that you’d, well, ‘ditch James to fuck me,’ as in… me,” Remus said, pointing to himself. Sirius stared at him. “I just wanted to know what that was about,” he trailed off.

The blush on Sirius’s cheeks seemed to grow for several moments. Then, he smirked.

“Must’ve been some dream, huh?” he said with a laugh, but it sounded fake. Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Sirius,” he said slowly. Sirius’s smile faltered. “Can you just tell me what it was about?”

Sirius looked around the room as though searching for a way to end the conversation, but upon finding none, sighed.

“I mean… I guess it’s true,” he said, looking at Remus tentatively. “But, Moony, I swear, it’s not a big deal, I know you don’t -”

“Wait, what’s true?” said Remus.

“Wh- uh…” Sirius looked confused. “I mean… I mean it’s true that… well, that I have feelings for you,” he said. Remus blanched. His heart rate picked up again.

“Oh,” he said after a few seconds. He hadn’t expected Sirius to have  _ feelings _ . “How… long have you felt this way?” he asked.

“A while.”

Remus blinked at him.

“How long?”

“Look, it doesn’t matter how long, I know you don’t think about me that-”

“I never said that,” Remus interrupted.

Sirius’s eyes widened and opened his mouth as if to say something, but then shut it. He looked at Remus calculatingly under heavy lashes, then his gaze softened. They were sitting criss-crossed, staring at each other through the dark room. Remus’s mind went blank and all he could hear was Sirius’s shortened breathing and his own heartbeat pounding in his chest. Then, slowly at first, as though allowing Remus escape time, Sirius began to lean forward, but Remus did not find himself compelled to escape. Deep, gray eyes fixed on his own. Gently, Sirius wrapped his hand around the back of Remus’s head, and then pulled him towards himself. He closed the gap between them, colliding their lips in a soft, open-mouthed kiss. All the room seemed to vanish and the only sense Remus was aware of was that of touch. Sirius’s hands were tangling in his hair as they moved together, and Remus instinctively reached up to graze the back of Sirius’s neck, causing him to shiver and pull Remus closer. The sense of taste returned to him in the form of stale cigarette on Sirius’s tongue, causing Remus to hum despite himself. He took a sharp intake of breath as Sirius moved one of his hands to Remus’s thigh, and he regained the sense of smell, allowing Sirius’s girly shampoo to fill his lungs.

Sirius pulled away and looked at Remus questioningly. Remus nodded.

Any and all traces of thought had gone from Remus’s mind as Sirius began to trace his hand up Remus’s thigh.

“No, let me,” he mumbled into Sirius’s mouth. He placed his hands on the hem of Sirius’s shirt and lifted it up, causing Sirius to let out a tiny gasp, and Remus regained the sense of sound. He gazed down the torso of the man in front of him and felt his pulse quicken, regaining the sense of sight and with it a growing heat. Remus lunged forward at his friend and plastered him to the mattress with a kiss.

“Moony, will you take your shirt off?” Sirius whispered as their bodies grinded together against the mattress. Remus felt something poking his stomach, and upon realizing it was Sirius’s cock, became aware that he was getting rather hard himself. At this realization, he felt an intense wave of panic sweep over him. Remus jumped away from Sirius, who sat up, looking flushed. Remus’s heart pounded in his throat.

“What-”

“Sirius, I think you should go,” said Remus. 

“W-what?” said Sirius.

“I-” Remus’s ears were ringing. “I’m sorry, Sirius. Please. I… I need you to go.”

Sirius stared at him, eyes wide. He blinked several times. “Um… okay…”

Blood was pounding in Remus’s ears. Sirius stood up and pulled his shirt back over his head. It rested lopsidedly on his body and Remus tried very hard to ignore the obvious bulge in Sirius’s pants. He looked bewildered.

“Um… okay… see ya…” he said, his voice cracking a tiny bit on the last word.

Sirius turned and walked toward the door, shutting it quietly behind him, and Remus let out a very shaky breath and laid down with a thump on his bed.


	7. Chapter 7

“Have you and Padfoot had a row?” James said to Remus on Thursday morning as he descended the staircase, stopping Remus halfway through rubbing his eye.

“What?” he said. James was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the bar with a coffee mug in one hand and a very suspicious look.

“Don’t fuck around, mate. You know what I’m talking about. You guys haven’t said more than one word to each other in the last week.” He walked over to the foot of the staircase where Remus stood frozen. “And when I asked him about it he bitched at me saying it was none of my business. He’s been moodier than usual. It’s pissing me off.”

It was true; Remus had been doing all he could to avoid being in a room with Sirius, and when he was, he made up any excuse to leave as fast as possible. He supposed he wouldn’t have taken such cowardly measures, but the first time he had found himself in a room with Sirius after that night, it had seemed like Sirius wanted to talk about what had happened, adopting a disappointed expression when Remus excused himself abruptly. Since then, he  _ had _ gotten very moody, but Remus didn’t find himself as annoyed as uncomfortably guilty in response. He had taken to studying at the university library instead of his house and spent much of his time there when he was not in class to avoid facing him.

“I mean, it really  _ isn’t _ your business,” Remus said with a shrug. James raised his eyebrows.

“Moony.”

Remus heaved a sigh. “James, I don’t really want to talk about it. Anyways, he’ll get over it, it’s not like it could’ve mattered to him that much…”

James’s eyebrows raised further. “Wait, did something, you know,  _ happen _ ?”

Remus felt his chest constrict. It was too early in the morning for this. “No. I don’t want to talk about it, James,” he said, and pushed past him and into the kitchen. James made a motion as if to stop him as he walked past him, but seemed to think better of it.

“Okay, Moony. Just remember, the full moon is in, like, a week.”

 

Sirius’s knees pressed against Remus’s as he peered onto him.

“Moony, do you want to come swim in the river with me?” his eyes wide and lustrous.

Remus looked around. They were sitting on a picnic blanket in the forest. Bright, yellow sunlight shone on the water, causing it to shimmer; it was springtime. Now standing, Sirius’s hand reached out in an offer to help Remus stand.

“I would love to swim in the river with you,” said Remus, taking hold of the hand that was velvety smooth, causing his insides to squirm with enticement. Sirius pulled his shirt languidly over his head and let it fall at their feet. “Let me help you with that,” Remus said, and he reached his hands to Sirius’s shorts’ button, and began undoing it slowly… 

“Mr. Lupin, if you cannot remain awake in my class I must ask you to leave,” Remus’s professor’s voice echoed across the lecture hall as he jerked awake.

“I’m sorry, sir,” he said, blushing when several heads turned to look at him.

Remus hadn’t been sleeping well at all the past week as he kept having distressing dreams. All of them, much to his dismay, were about Sirius. He had been dreading sleeping at night in fear of visualizing his friend and himself tangled in silk bedsheets and stepping into showers. Feeling dizzier the more he thought about it, Remus focused very hard the rest of the lecture not to drift off again.

Despite the snowfall being gentle to none that afternoon, Remus did not make a stop at the clearing.

“Are we still going out tonight, though?” said Sirius to James as Remus walked into his home, arms laden with textbooks.

“Yeah, of course,” said James. “Oh, hey Moony,” he said when he noticed that Remus had entered. “You coming?” he added with a meaningful look. Remus offered a pained smile.

“Studying…” he said, not sparing a single glance at Sirius, but seeing in his peripherals that he was glaring. “Nearly exam time…”

“I still have an essay to finish,” began Peter. Remus had hardly noticed he had been standing amongst them. “Maybe if one of you helped me, I could come along…” Peter looked hopefully at each of his friends. James rolled his eyes.

“If I have time,” he said, and began pulling on his overcoat. “See you guys tonight.”

James shut the door behind him and Remus stared at it stupidly.

“How’s it going, mate?” said Peter. “Feel like I haven’t seen you all week.”

Sirius snorted. Remus ignored it.

“Oh, good,” he said. “And you know, just been busy with school…” he added, and made for the staircase.

“Okay, well, I guess we’ll see more of each other on Tuesday night, anyways. This is gonna be a good full moon. I can feel it!” said Peter as Remus walked into the upstairs hall. As he shut his bedroom door behind him he thought he could hear Sirius say something to the effect of “don’t count on it,” but he wasn’t sure.

With the combination of pre-full moon and dream-induced fatigue, Remus had become incredibly exhausted. Aware of Remus’s lycanthropy, his Magical Language professor had agreed to reschedule that particular final exam for later in the week. Remus spent the weekend in a flu-like state of exhausted unrest. He wished he could take a Sleeping Draught, but Sirius was the best of his friends at potions, and he knew better than to ask him to make one. By the time Tuesday came around, Remus and Sirius were still not talking, and better yet, he seemed to have caught a cold.

“I really don’t think I’m going to be able to carry out the plan,” Remus said to James that afternoon. James was sat reclined on the living room couch, coffee mug in hand, and watching a Muggle cartoon on his laptop computer.

“Are you sure you’re actually ill?” he asked, pausing the show and looking skeptically up at Remus. James had dropped the subject of anything other than an ordinary row having transpired between Remus and Sirius, but Remus couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable knowing James had his suspicions.

“I really am,” he said, rubbing his temple.

“Well, all right, what are you going to do, then?”

Remus thought for a minute. “I’ll just hang out in the forest.”

“And what happens when someone comes along and you kill them?”

“Er…”

“Look, we don’t have to do the thing with the ice rink, but you need us to be with you, mate.”

Remus sat on the opposing end of the couch and leaned back against a pillow, shutting his eyes. “Yeah,” he said after a minute, then groaned.

“Yeah, the boys are not going to be happy about that. Wormtail was over the fucking moon about this plan.”

Remus opened one eye to look at James and was about to shut it again when Sirius and Peter walked in from the hall.

“Hey, guys,” said James, who had unpaused his cartoon and was focused again on it.

“Hey,” Sirius said, and shot an indecipherable glance in Remus’s direction. Peter sat on one of the bar chairs.

“Moony’s sick,” said James over his shoulder. As he rummaged in a cupboard for a glass, Sirius let out a nonchalant questioning noise.

“Yeah, er, so I don’t think I can do the whole ice rink thing tonight.”

“What? No!” said Peter, looking up from his phone.

“Okay,” said Sirius, plainly trying very hard not to express any sort of opinion about the subject as he filled his glass up with water.

Remus observed the back of his head for a moment, then said, “It’s actually okay, though. I was thinking maybe just one of you…  er, James, probably, since he’s the biggest, could come with me just to make sure everything goes okay. Besides, the rest of you probably have exams tomorrow, right?” He tried to ignore the nagging reminder in the back of his mind that Sirius’s Animagus was almost exactly the same size as James’s.

James gave Remus a pitying smile. “I don’t know, Moony, it usually takes Padfoot to calm the wolf down…”

As much as Remus did not want to admit this, it was true. Unfortunately, as he had little control over who the wolf got along with - his human consciousness diminished into a much more primitive version of itself during every transformation - there was very little he could do about it.

Sirius turned around, still bearing the odd conflicted-looking expression that Remus could not entirely read as his eyes joined the conversation. He seemed to evaluate the room for several seconds before speaking.

“Yeah. We’d all better go,” he said. A tense but brief locking of the eyes occured between Remus and Sirius before Remus nodded.

“Right. Okay, well, I’m going to take my na-ap…” Remus stumbled on the last word, remembering he very much would not like to partake in any sort of slumber at the present time, but caught himself in finishing the rest of his sentence. “Um, and then we’ll all head to the forest around four-thirty?”

Peter, looking rather grumpy about the change of plans, nodded resolutely. Sirius did not make any indication of having heard Remus, and James clapped him affectionately on the back as he made for yet another escape of a Sirius-ridden room.

Later that evening, Remus rose from a restless sleep, during which he had faded in and out of confusing dreams that he could not properly tell apart from genuine life, and stumbled dispassionately down the stairs. His three friends were sat around the coffee table playing a board game of sorts, and Remus felt a strong surge of anger towards Sirius for preventing him from being able to join, but upon sudden thought, remembered it was his own doing that he could not bear to be joined by Sirius’s company.

“Hey, you ready?” he said from the foyer, an entirely separate scene encapsulated by him than his friends.

“Oh, hey, yeah,” said James, turning around, a grin lingering on his face from whatever events were occuring on the coffee table.

The three boys, led by Remus, walked into the frosty evening, springing into the silhouettes of animals as the light of the house faded in the background and the dim red of the sunset carried their walking forms down the streets and into the forest.


	8. Chapter 8

Remus awoke the next day, tangled chaotically in his sweaty bedsheets, where he had collapsed after walking home, newly human, several hours before. It was mid-afternoon, judging from the ugly, grayish light poking through his bedroom curtains, and Remus laid in his odd position as he attempted to recall the events of the previous night.

He had transformed, painful as always, in a shrouded area of the forest, his animal friends standing in a three-point formation around him. Other than the transformation, his exhausted body had not experienced much extortion; to Remus’s memory, most of the night was spent relaxing under a large tree as his friends dozed. He remembered resting his head on Sirius’s flank, and kicked himself mentally for it in his current human state. Other than this one thoughtless action, Remus confirmed with himself that the night had gone smoothly and that nothing major was out of order at present.  
Despite his attempts to ignore it, he gave considerable thought to Sirius’s kindness; he had offered and followed through with accompaniment during this full moon despite the harsh feelings Remus assumed he must have been feeling towards him. Guilt rose up in Remus’s chest. However, imagining trying to make amends with his friend and directly addressing the situation at hand was too much a sickening thought for the aching form that Remus currently was.

The next week consisted of exams and little else, and Sirius seemed too busy to make any indication that the events of the full moon had swayed the dynamic between Remus and himself, not that they should have. Sirius had simply been loyal as always.

Remus passed his exams with ease, struggling a small amount under the weight of his exhaustion, but doing fine nonetheless. Recurring dreams of Remus continually stumbling upon various scenes of Sirius in compromising positions, despite being able to recognize the signs that he should not enter whichever room Sirius was in, seemed to have found themselves a comfortable place in Remus’s mind these few days.

That Friday, Remus convinced himself to accompany his friends to The Lakeside Pub, a bar downtown, where they could celebrate the end of the quarter and the oncoming four-day-weekend before new classes began.

Once everyone had settled out of their coats and into the booth seats, James said that he and Lily had an exciting announcement for the group.

“We wanted to wait until tests were over to tell you lot, because it’s kind of a big deal,” said Lily.

“Shit, you’re pregnant?” said Sirius, and Peter gasped.

“No!” said James, hitting Sirius.

“What is it?” asked Remus, who had conveniently placed himself at the innermost crook of the booth with Sirius at one of the edges. James looked guiltily around at them all, his hand holding Lily’s in her lap.

“What is it, Prongs?” said Sirius. James smiled sheepishly.

“Er, well, Lily and I are… Shit, boys…” he trailed off and looked to Lily in a way of asking for help.

“We’re moving in together,” she said simply.

“Fuck no,” said Sirius with a look of incredulousness and a derisive snort. James shot him an irritated glance, but then smiled guiltily again.

“I know,” he said.

“Wait, you’re joking, right?” said Sirius.

“Well… no…” said James, looking a little disheartened.

“Fuck, be happy for us!” said Lily, giving Sirius a teasing push. Sirius frowned, but upon seeing the much less moody faces of his friends surrounding him, gave a pathetic smile.

Remus watched Sirius as he closed off, training his eyes on the screen of his phone as he pretended to be reading something very important. Peter congratulated the pair in a reluctant but excited way, and Remus, having become distracted with Sirius’s reaction, reverted his attention to James, plastered a smile on his face, and gave a congratulation followed by, “I’ll get you two a round of drinks. To celebrate.”

As he shuffled his friends out of the booth to walk towards the bar, he considered inviting Sirius to come help him carry the drinks, but upon glancing at his scowl, thought better of choosing that particular moment to try and return Sirius’s previously offered humanity.

Remus carried the pint of beer back to the table, arriving on Peter questioning James and Lily, “So, when is this happening?”

Still entwined at the hands, the couple smiled at each other. “We found an apartment already, but we can’t move in until February the fifteenth.”

“What exactly is the plan for full moons, then?” said Sirius as Remus placed the pint in the center of the table and shuffled back into his seat. He blushed a little at Sirius’s thoughtfulness, but reminded himself that full moons were not an event revolving purely around himself, regardless of their origin and primary purpose. Remus supposed Sirius was running a thousand different reasons in his head as to why James should not move out.

“I’ve thought about this, mate, don’t worry,” James said, looking slightly confounded. Remus speculated on why James hadn’t expected such a reaction from Sirius. “I’ll be around for full moons. The apartment isn’t far from the house anyways. We’ll hang out all the time.”

“Honestly, it might be high time for me to figure out a less bothersome way to go about my business,” Remus said, with a retrospective smirk at the odd way he’d just described his condition. “What I mean is it shouldn’t have to concern all of you lot when I transform.” Sirius glared at him.

“So suddenly  _ nothing _ is the same anymore?” he said, leaning slightly out of his seat.

“What? No!” said Remus. He looked into the scathing face of his friend he had not had a real conversation with in weeks. The simple truth was Remus felt kind of bad for the last full moon. His friends had been forced to spend a whole night in the snowy cold just to make sure he didn’t commit any murders, and worse, it had been right in the midst of important tests.

For a reason unbeknownst to Remus, Peter found it suitable at this time to also remind everyone, “Well, actually, I passed all my classes, so I’m spending this next quarter in sunny Spain!”

At this, Sirius stood up, causing the table to shake under the weight of his slammed palms, and stormed from the bar, hardly finishing pulling his coat on by the time the door shut behind him.

“Wormtail, you idiot,” said James, changing his gape to a scowl once the door clicked shut. Peter seemed to shrink in his seat. Remus would have felt bad for him, seeing as he had probably, in his blissful stupidity, expected his exclamation to result in congratulations, but something else about what he had said took Remus’s attention. If Peter was leaving next week and James in a month, that would leave he and Sirius living together alone.


	9. Chapter 9

Sirius was slumped in his desk chair eating peanut brittle and scrolling through something on his phone when Remus walked in.

“H- hey,” he said as he looked up, clearly surprised at Remus’s presence.

Remus walked over to his bed and sat down stiffly. He let his eyes wander around the room, walls covered in Queen posters Sirius had enchanted to move, and the watercolor paintings that moved like liquid from previous nights spent high. Through the window, snow was falling heavily, creating a little mountain on the windowsill. His eyes stopped for a moment on the large mirror covering the closet door. A young man with skin the color of milk tea stared back at him, and he blinked and averted his gaze.

“So, James is moving out,” he said, attempting to sound formal, finally looking over to Sirius, who had been eyeing him skeptically. Sirius’s eyebrows raised. He cleared his throat.

“Yeah.”

A painful silence fell over them for a few moments, and Remus busied himself with looking at the pictures Sirius had drawn on the whiteboard pinned to the door. Most were of cartoon characters, but there were a few in the corner that looked a lot like Sirius and his friends in their Animagus forms.

Remus stared blankly at the floor, trying to decide how he wanted to deliver the sentiments he was feeling. Having spent the last hour grappling with himself in his room about whether he should try to bring up the issue of the two of them living alone together or not after the previous night’s events, he had finally decided on the former. Remus was ashamed of the jealousy he had felt at Sirius’s extreme upset over James’s departure, and he had made a mental note not to express any indication that such was the case.

“Uh,” Remus grunted, “So, how are you doing?”

Sirius stared at him coldly, and Remus could see the light of his phone still shining on his face. Beginning to sweat, Remus suddenly regretted extremely having come in the room. Sirius’s glaring features bored into him.

“I don’t need you to comfort me, Remus,” he said finally, cold and firm. Remus blinked. He hadn’t heard Sirius call him by his real name in longer than he could remember. It was always ‘Moony’ or some derivation of it.

He inhaled deeply.

“I- I know you don’t, I just thought… Um… Well, I actually had something else to bring up, anyways,” he said, deliberately forcing himself not to stare at the ground. Something flickered across Sirius’s face that caused Remus’s insides to constrict, but was gone in a flash.

“What?” he snapped.

Remus found that he could not talk about the living conditions. He searched his mind frantically for words.

“Er… um, I was - D’you think we should throw Peter a going away party?” he said. Sirius frowned, then blinked several times.

“Oh,” he said, his features falling as he looked down then rearranging into indifference as he looked quickly back up again. “Okay, yeah. Sure.”

“Okay,” Remus said, staring stupidly as he processed what he had said amidst his panic. “I’ll… talk to James about it. And we can plan something out,” he said.

“Okay.”

“Okay… Uh… yeah,” said Remus. He stood up awkwardly and exited the room.

Remus wondered if the imminent living arrangements had yet crossed Sirius’s mind. He reasoned that they must have and hoped that Sirius would bring it up himself sooner or later so Remus wouldn’t have to.

 

Peter’s going-away party consisted of Remus and his usual gang of friends, joined by some additional friends from school. Lily’s soon-to-be ex-roommates appeared on the doorstep of Remus’s home carrying a bottle of vodka.

“What, not a fancy enough occasion for champagne?”

“Nonsense, Moony! The more the merrier when it comes to alcohol. Come in, ladies, come in,” said an already-intoxicated James, ushering the girls into the house.

“Where’s the man of the hour?”

“Honestly, I’m most excited for it not to be so bloody freezing,” he heard Peter saying to someone on the other side of the room. Remus smiled big and ridiculous at this sentence, affirming to himself that, yes, he was, in fact, incredibly high.

Remus stared into the fireplace for what seemed like several years as the room spun around him in a blur of color and sound.

“Moony,” came a voice, and Remus turned his head to see Peter’s face.

“Mmm?” he said.

“Blimey, Moony, I’ve never seen you this zonkered,” said Peter.

“‘S ‘nedible,” he said, nodding his head mindlessly.

“Moony, are you gonna take care of Horace while I’m gone?”

Horace. Horace… 

“The fuck is Horace?” said Remus, adopting what he assumed to be a politely confused expression.

“Horace Slughorn! My Plimpy, Moony, remember?” said Peter. “Jesus, mate, maybe you ought to go to bed.”

Coming to his senses for half a second, Remus realized the rationality of what Peter was saying.

“Good idea,” he said, and stood up very fast, causing himself to stumble upon contact with the ground.

His lidded eyes scanned the room. He saw James and Lily in a drunken tangle of kisses in a distant corner. Several of Peter’s school friends were playing beer pong across the foyer table that had been dragged into the middle of the room. Sirius was talking animatedly to one of Lily’s roommates. Remus’s eyes lingered on Sirius, and before he realized how long he’d been standing there staring, Sirius’s head turned, locking their eyes for a brief moment.

“Goodnight, Wormtail,” grumbled Remus as he quickly averted his gaze onto Peter. “Congratulations.”

The staircase was a trek much too arduous for Remus’s liking, and he threw himself upon his bed and shut his eyes as he tried to stop his head spinning.

Remus stared at the inside of his eyelids and saw the image of Sirius downstairs. Truthfully, he missed him a lot. Normally any thought pattern as this would have been shut down immediately, but Remus indulged this thought. Whether this was the fault of his oblivion or he was using it as an excuse, he was not entirely sure.

The dreams Remus had been having about Sirius played on repeat in his mind’s eye as he laid there. Briefly attending to his subconscious’ automatic warning against thinking about that night, but ultimately pushing it aside, Remus saw Sirius’s form, half-naked and glowing.

Why had he pushed him away? It had been involuntary, the panic. Or had it? Remus had a vision of the synaptic connections in his brain; his thoughts seemed to travel in a multi-branched linear form, and he could not keep track of them all.

He pondered that perhaps the reason he had panicked, kicked Sirius out of his bed, leaving him looking mortified and sad, was because he had been afraid of the closeness. Moving forward with whatever it was they were about to move forward with that night would certainly have provided some kind of closeness. Perhaps he was so afraid of it he had avoided thinking about it entirely for weeks since.

Remus laid there, his brain on fire with these considerations, eventually arriving at a conclusion he knew it was time to accept as truth, and passed out fully-clothed on his duvet cover.


	10. Chapter 10

Remus had decided he wouldn’t confer with Sirius until James had moved out. One thing at a time, he thought.

“Hey, Moony, have you thought about what you’re going to do now that you and Padfoot have two empty rooms?”

“Shit, James, it’s been on my mind, that’s for sure,” Remus said as he and James stepped over the threshold of the house each carrying one end of a very heavy box.

“You two still haven’t worked things out, huh?” said James, looking sympathetic.

“I tried to bring it up the other day…”

They pushed the box into the back end of Lily’s truck. She and Sirius were standing by the driver’s door chatting. He appeared to have made peace with the situation; he wasn’t protesting about it now that it was actually happening.

“Remus,” said Lily, turning to face him. “Will you please come over next week to help me set up the fairy village?”

“Of course, Lily, it would be my pleasure.”

“Babe, how the hell do you close this thing?” said James, who was struggling with the tailgate latch.

After closing all of James’s belongings safely in the truck, he and Lily turned to Remus and Sirius.

“Well, I think that’s everything,” said James, looking sheepish once again. Remus made a point to ignore his urge to look sideways at Sirius.

“Fuck, alright. Well, since I didn’t say it before, congratulations, you two,” said Sirius, going in to hug the pair of them. James patted him affectionately on the back.

“Text us when you get there,” said Remus, taking his turn for a goodbye hug.

James and Lily climbed into the car and backed away from the driveway. Remus and Sirius waved as Lily switched gears and began driving down the street, James’s face pressed up against the window in a grin as the car turned and disappeared around the corner. Remus turned to Sirius.

“Uh,” he said, unsure of how Sirius might behave towards him at this time.

“Just you and me now, I guess,” he said, his voice colored with almost as much uncertainty as Remus felt.

“Yep,” he said. They stood there for a moment, then Sirius said something vague about having work to do and disappeared inside.

Remus spent the rest of the day in pleasant denial about the fact that he and Sirius were now very much alone and it would be a perfect time to go and talk to him. Instead, he settled for reading a book his mother had given him for Christmas that he was only vaguely interested in.

The sun set on the day and Remus, a growing anxiety building in his chest, decided to go to the forest clearing, feeling very uncertain whether or not he should tell Sirius he was going out as he normally would, but settling on a, “See ya!” and quickly letting the front door shut behind him so as to not have to find out if Sirius cared enough to respond.

The thick blanket of snow covering Remus’s town was beginning to melt, leaving the forest floor slushy and wet. He sat first on the ground, then fell to his back, staring up at the clear night sky. He couldn’t drag this out any longer. He needed to do it tonight.

Remus ran through his head all the words and explanations he wanted to give Sirius, imagining in-depth the conversation he wanted to have, and his anxiety sprouted a partner: excitement.

The waning moon began to rise into the sky and Remus drove home, humming nervously along to whatever pop song the radio was playing. He pulled into his driveway and leapt out of the car, taking a deep breath before entering the house.

“Sirius?” he shouted into the dark living room. No response. “Sirius?” he said again, peering down the hall. His bedroom light was off. His motorcycle had been outside, so surely he hadn’t gone out. Unless he had gone on a date that he hadn’t bothered to tell Remus about. At this thought, Remus felt his anxiety rising into his throat. What if he was too late? He turned back towards the living room and something caught his eye through the window.

Something, illuminated by the moonlight, was moving out on the hill outside. Remus moved closer to the window and saw it was Sirius with a telescope. He wasn’t out on a date. He was gazing at stars.

Remus pulled his coat back on and walked out the back door, using his wand to light the path as he approached the hill. He extinguished the light before he reached the top of the hill; he didn’t want to ruin Sirius’s stargazing conditions by exposing his eyes to bright light.

Sirius came into view, and Remus cleared his throat softly. Sirius jumped.

“Shit, Moony, you scared me!” he said, turning to look at him through the darkness. “I mean… um… Remus,” he said, then seemed to roll his eyes at himself. Remus’s heart did a little leap, but he ignored it.

“Sorry,” he said, walking closer to Sirius who appeared to be sketching the constellations. He was sat in an old lawn chair and soft music was streaming out of a speaker at his feet.

Trying to sound casual, Remus asked, “What’s this album?”

Sirius, who had returned his focus into the eyepiece of the telescope said, “Frank Ocean’s Blonde.”

“Oh, cool,” said Remus. He took a seat on the ground next to Sirius and listened to the soulful voice sing of love and loneliness.

“So what is it you’re doing?” said Remus, trying again to be casual. Sirius did not look up.

“It’s just a project for my Emotional Works class. We’re supposed to make a symbolic piece, and I’m sketching the Canis Major constellation and some of its surrounding ones and then we have to write a paper about our meaning.” While his voice carried a forced-sounding uninterested tone, Remus couldn’t help but be relieved he was talking to him at all.

“Can I see it?” he asked tentatively. Sirius backed away from the telescope and seemed to consider this request for a minute, then shrugged.

“Sure,” he said, handing it over to Remus.

“Oh,” Remus said as he looked at the sketch.

“Yeah, it’s not finished yet,” said Sirius defensively. Remus looked up at him.

“No, it’s nice, I just… it’s kind of… sad?” he said. He couldn’t quite explain why, but looking at the drawing caused his heart to ache for something unspoken.

“Yeah, that’s because it’s enchanted to make its viewer feel sad. It’s called the Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder Charm,” he said, snatching the paper back from Remus. As the paper left his view, the intense yearning feeling left and was replaced with a melancholy confusion.

“Why is your constellation supposed to be sad?” he asked.

“My parents were pretty into constellations,” came Sirius’s voice from behind the telescope. Remus felt his heart sink a little.

“Oh,” he said. Sirius removed himself from the telescope again.

“Why are you even out here?” he asked. “What do you want?”

“Oh, well… Actually, there is a reason, but I’m worried that you’ve been looking at that drawing so much, so it might not be a good time.”

Sirius rubbed his forehead and sighed.

“You know, this has been bumming me out a little bit; my professor warned us about that. I should take a break anyways.” He put the paper down, slapped himself gently on the face a few times, and looked at Remus.

He let out a heavy breath then said, “Okay, what is it? You want to throw a party for James or something?”

Remus looked up into his face and felt his own heart beating rapidly as Frank Ocean began to sing about wet dreams and virgins in white.

“Actually,” he said. “Well, I actually wanted to talk about, er, what happened… a few weeks ago.” Sirius’s eyes widened.

“Seriously?” he said.

Remus nodded.

“Well, okay.”

“Fuck, okay,” said Remus. “Well, so, I did some thinking. And I think I realized what happened. So, I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve always been kind of jealous of your relationship with James. I always thought you two were the closest pair of friends amongst all of us, and I didn’t really know what it was like to have a best friend. And I would get really upset over it. Because I wanted to be your best friend. Or, I mean, that’s what I thought it was. And then there was that night when you talked in your sleep. I didn’t know what to think about that because I think I just have a lot of personal issues and I didn’t want to think it meant anything. But then you finally told me that it did and that you had feelings for me and I got so caught up in that moment and we started kissing and everything but it freaked me out. I wasn’t ready for that, or, maybe I was, but I’m just so afraid of being vulnerable, or of being close to you, or anyone, and I freaked out. And then I kept having these dreams. About you. And we would be together in these dreams but they made me so scared, Sirius, I didn’t even want to think about them. And I wouldn’t let myself think at all about any of this, but it just came to me one night. And I realized how I feel. I realized I didn’t just want to be your best friend. I wanted more.”

Remus tore his eyes from the ground and force himself to look at Sirius.

“So, I guess, what I’m saying is… I have a lot of problems, and I might be afraid of intimacy and love and you, but I know now that I want to be with you… If you’ll still have me.”

Sirius stared at Remus. For a moment, his face appeared to glow, but he looked into his lap and back up at Remus, his expression sad.

“Look. I get it. I really do. You’re, like, learning all this stuff about yourself and everything, and that’s great. And, believe me, it is exhausting being upset with you. I don’t like it. It sucks. So believe me when I say I wish it was that easy. But… well… the fact is, Moo- Remus. The fact is, you hurt me. I mean, ignoring me like that for weeks? I get kicked out of your bed, am made a complete ass of, and then get zero explanation for anything? It really sucked, you know? So, well, really, thank you for sharing all of this with me, it’s nice to hear that you care and everything, but I don’t think I can do it. At least… At least not for a while.”

Remus let out a shaky breath. He had not been expecting this.

“Okay. Right,” he said, standing up and brushing off his pants. “Right. Um. Goodnight,” he said, not making eye contact before he turned around and headed down the hill.


	11. Chapter 11

Remus sprinkled some of the contents from the jar labeled “Horace’s Food” into the fish bowl that Peter had left on the kitchen bar. The duck-like creature squiggled up to the top of the bowl and gulped down little pieces one by one. Remus stared at its protuberant eyes and thought about Peter and how he wouldn’t be seeing him for several months. And he thought about James and Lily, living a little ways down the road in their happy, disgusting relationship. He couldn’t help but feel lonely.

Since Remus’s confrontation on the hilltop, his relationship with Sirius had not improved much. He was still avoiding him, feeling ever more ashamed now that Sirius had rejected him flat out. Sirius had been acting polite to Remus in their brief moments of passing, but he didn’t seem to be making any more of an attempt to patch things up than Remus was.

Remus pulled out his phone and dialed Lily’s number.

“Hi, Remus!”

“Hey! Um, how are you?”

“I’m good. How are you, Remus?”

“Good… Er, I was wondering if you still needed someone to help you out with your village? Are you, uh, are you free today?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure! Come on over. James will be so excited you’re finally coming to see the new apartment, you know, since you had plans the other day when Sirius came.”

“Oh. Yeah. Right. Okay, great. I’ll be over in half an hour or so.”

“See you soon!”

It was raining when Remus got in the car. Sheets of water flowed down his windshield as he drove down the road to the address Lily had texted to him. He pulled up to an apartment complex he had driven past several times before and drove around in a vague confusion until he saw the number J201 through the falling raindrops.

Remus parked in a visitors spot and ran from his car to the doorstep, not bothering to cast an Umbrella Charm over his head.

“Moony!” said James as he opened the door and pulled Remus into a hug.

“Hi,” said Remus. James showed him into the apartment and Remus looked around. The apartment was half-furnished with several moving boxes still lying about.

“It’s nice,” he said when James gave him an expectant look.

“Hi, Remus!” said Lily, appearing through a hallway. Remus and Lily hugged, and the couple set about giving Remus the grand tour of their new home. It was considerably smaller than the house James had moved out of, but Remus couldn’t help but understand the attraction of having a place with a boyfriend or girlfriend regardless of its shabbiness.

The three of them drank coffee and Remus asked many questions about their new life as a live-in couple, entertained with their stories about Lily dropping James’s toothbrush in the toilet and the strange encounters they’d had so far with the next door neighbor.

“He’s not exactly unkind, we just think he’s a little crazy,” said Lily, laughing, her hand resting on James’s forearm.

“Okay, so, everything is pretty much in these boxes. I don’t know if the fairies are going to come back now that we’ve relocated, but I liked the way it looked before, anyways, and I think the details were just perfect,” said Lily, showing Remus into the lounge room.

“So how is it really, living with Prongs now?” said Remus, starting to unpack a miniature ice cream shop from a box. Lily laughed.

“It’s… it’s taking some getting used to. He can be a little obnoxiously messy, and I’ve found him more than once admiring and talking to his own reflection. But, hey, gotta love him, right?” she said, procuring the Frostless Snow Kit Remus had given to her from another box. “How about you? James told me you and Sirius hadn’t been getting on great, and now it’s just the two of you, right? How is that?”

Suddenly feeling very uncomfortable, Remus took this opportune time to hide behind a stack of boxes.

“Oh, you know… It’s fine…” he said. “Should we unpack all of them first or start setting them up as we go?”

Lily peered at him behind the boxes. “Remus?” she said, looking skeptical.

“Hmm?” he said.

“Is everything alright with you and Sirius?” she said. Remus wasn’t all that close with Lily so he didn’t much fancy telling her what had been going on.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, trying his best to look nonchalant. “I mean, we weren’t getting along great before, but everything is great now. So yes or no on unpacking everything all at once?”

“Remus, just tell me what’s up,” she said, demanding his attention. “You don’t always need to be so reserved, you know. Maybe your friends could actually help you with whatever is going on.”

He looked at her, hesitantly, taking a deep breath, then sighed. Lily sat down on the carpet next to him. Stumbling over his words at first, he began to tell her what had been happening, starting from the night Sirius had talked in his sleep (graciously leaving out the part where Sirius had gotten upset with James for always being with Lily), and before he could stop himself, he was telling her every minute detail, including the dreams he had had, the guilt he’d felt from Sirius attending the full moon, and finally ending with the confrontation they’d had on the hilltop. It felt like an immense weight had been lifted off his shoulders just by finally telling someone what had been tormenting him for so many weeks.

“And now I don’t know what to do because I feel so awful for hurting him. I’m just keeping my distance as much as I can, but-”

“Hold on,” she said, interrupting him for the first time in twenty minutes.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’ve been talking way too much.”

“No, you haven’t. Just… Sirius said that you hurt him because you’d been avoiding him, right? And your solution is to… avoid him even more?” she said.

“Well… yeah,” said Remus.

“You realize how ridiculous that is, don’t you?”

Remus thought for a moment. It did seem kind of counterintuitive.

“But, that’s not the only reason I hurt him,” he said.

“Yes, but it seems like, if you want to patch things up, this is the place to start. And it doesn’t seem like you offered much of an apology, either,” she said.

“Shit,” said Remus. “I didn’t apologize at all.”

Lily nodded knowingly. “I feel like you have a whole lot going on in that brain of yours, and sharing it with others sometimes might make everything seem a little less huge and unmanageable. Do you want to know what I think? I think you should apologize to Sirius. For hurting him, for avoiding him. And then don’t avoid him anymore-”

“But I think-”

“You need to stop thinking so much. For once, just do.”

“What’ll I even say?” Remus said, looking down at his hands. “I’m sorry for being too stupid to realize I was in love with you and hurting you out of fear?”

“Well, yeah. Maybe don’t say you’re in love with him, though. He might not want to hear that yet. Focus more on the fact you’ve learned something. If I’m right, based on your story, Sirius probably has known you’ve been in love with him for a while now. I think the problem is more that you avoided yourself by avoiding him, and that created a whole set of problems for the two of you.”

“So, in order for me to get him to give me a chance, I have to stop avoiding him… or things?”

“I don’t think you should make it about him giving you a chance as your boyfriend. I just think this is the place to begin patching everything up in your friendship. Gain his trust again. Open yourself up to him. Then you can probably work from there.”


	12. Chapter 12

Remus prepared his coffee in a stupor, not even bothering to care when his hand slipped and he got grounds in the mug. Since his visit to Lily’s and the resulting conversation that had taken place, Remus had been struggling. He knew he should apologize to Sirius and sort things out once and for all, but anytime the opportunity seemed to present itself, his brain fed him thoughts that he had exhausted the topic too much, Sirius wouldn’t want to hear it, nothing he had to say was important.

Remus sat in his desk chair, face suspended over the steam swirling onto his cheeks and warming them. He had created several different mental scripts for what he would say to Sirius in his final confrontation, all of which he had abandoned halfway through due to their incredible pointlessness in his mind. Lily had said he should apologize for hurting Sirius and for avoiding him. The fact that he continued to avoid Sirius gave him an increasing sense of anxiety every time he thought about it, but he felt as though he was watching himself let things get continually worse but couldn’t do anything to stop it.

He inhaled deeply and slowly. “I need to do it today,” he said.

Sirius did not come home until the evening, and Remus found himself conveniently holed up in his room when the sound of Sirius’s motorbike approached the house. He laid, eyes closed on his bed, listening to the sounds of the house through his bedroom’s open door. The front door shut and he heard the heavy footsteps of Sirius’s boots. A few minutes later, pots and pans were clanging around. It seemed best to approach Sirius while he was eating his dinner. That way, he couldn’t refuse to speak to Remus.

Remus listened catatonically while Sirius cooked whatever it was he was cooking, occasionally singing or speaking aloud to himself. Once the noise settled to an occasional clink of a fork against a plate, Remus knew it was time for him to make his move.

He entered the kitchen, heart hammering.

“Hey,” said Sirius, looking up from his phone in one hand as he twirled spaghetti on his fork in the other.

“Hey,” said Remus. Sirius looked back down at his phone and Remus took a deep breath. “I really need to say this to you,” he said, expelling the words quickly like a breath of toxic air. Sirius looked up, blinking, mouth full.

Remus looked down at his hands and back up again. “This is the last time I’m going to bother you about this, I promise.”

“Alright,” Sirius said, putting down his fork. “Go on then.”

Remus settled himself into the seat next to Sirius. “I want to apologize - I’m sorry for interrupting your dinner. I mean. No, that’s not what I wanted to apologize for. I wanted to apologize. For everything. I mean-” he winced. He should have stuck with one of the scripts. 

Sirius raised his eyebrows, with a very faint look of gentle amusement. Remus took another steadying breath.

“Okay. I was selfish and afraid and my fear ended up hurting you. I was so in denial that you could possibly care about me that I didn’t even consider that my actions might affect you. And then I got so caught up in the idea of finally figuring it all out, but I completely missed the bigger picture. But I’ve learned from this. I’ve learned that the people I care about care about me, and that gives me a responsibility to care about them better than I have been. More importantly, with you. More specifically. Um, and whether that is ever in a… romantic way or not, it’s something I will be very mindful about now. And- this isn’t to say I don’t still have a lot of issues. Because I do have a lot of issues, but I realize that allowing them to hurt someone I really love because I was so afraid of dealing with them is not something I’m okay with. So I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hooking up with you, and then, er, stopping halfway through, and then kicking you out, and all of that. But most importantly I’m sorry for not telling you why. Opening myself up to others isn’t something that comes naturally for me, but if it means preventing myself from hurting you or anyone else like that again, it’s definitely something I’m going to work on.”

He paused, breathing a little heavily, and taking in Sirius’s calculating gaze.

“And…” he continued, “I’m going to put aside any hope that you will ever want to be with me. But, as a part of my new ‘being aware and realistic about other people’s feelings’ thing, I’m not going to pretend like you don’t still have feelings for me. So I won’t be, like, a twat about it or anything. And, trust me, I wouldn’t want to. And I know you’ve been going through a lot with James leaving and everything, so I really should have been more sensitive, and- shit, I’m just rambling now, aren’t I? Okay. I’m done.”

Remus looked at the floor, his face burning. When Sirius didn’t say anything for several moments, he looked up at him.

“Er, that’s all I guess. I’ll just-”

“No, just wait a minute. I need to process, Moony.”

Remus forced the corners of his mouth from turning up at the nickname. “Yeah. Okay.”

Sirius was frowning in thought. Finally, he said, “I appreciate your apology.”

Remus looked at him.

“I mean, I was kind of upset that you didn’t apologize before-”

“I know, I realized that, and I’m sorry.”

“I mean, it just seemed like you didn’t realize why avoiding me was a problem.”

“I know. Honestly, I didn’t realize it by myself. Lily… kind of helped me figure it out.”

Sirius blew air out of his nose. “She’s good at that kind of stuff, huh?”

There were a few moments of silence between them.

“I still don’t know if it’s a good idea for anything to happen between us…” Sirius said after a while, looking straight into Remus’s eyes. “But I forgive you. As your friend, I forgive you.”

Remus nodded. “Okay. I’m glad you forgive me.” He began to stand up.

“I’m not finished,” said Sirius. Remus stared at him. Sirius chewed his lip. “You’re right. About being realistic about my feelings. I do still have feelings for you. But, you know, all those times I imagined what it would be like if you liked me back, I never really pictured it going this way.”

Remus looked at the floor. “Yeah. I mean, I wish it hadn’t.”

“Yeah, but it did. And so I’m not sorry that we hooked up, even though it was kind of fucked up.”

Remus blushed further. “What do you mean?”

“I’m glad it happened. Like, I’m glad that we kind of understand each other’s feelings now. That wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t kissed me that night.”

“I guess that’s true.”

Neither of them said anything for a few seconds.

“Er, so… what does that mean, then?” said Remus nervously.

“I...” said Sirius slowly. “I don’t know.”

“Well, what do you want?” said Remus. His heart was pounding in his chest.

Sirius’s eyes adopted a lustrous quality that made Remus want to look away. “I really like you, Moony,” he said after a moment.

“I like you, too,” Remus said in a very small voice.

“It seems really clear, though, that you’re not comfortable with a relationship,” said Sirius, still not breaking his gaze.

Remus cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

Sirius took a bite of his pasta and chewed it slowly.

“What do you want?” he said after swallowing.

“I don’t know,” said Remus. He rubbed his hands together in his lap. “I mean, I want you. And I want things to be okay. Normal. But not normal. Like, not like before. But not like now. But also I don’t think I can just suddenly be someone’s boyfriend. Especially not yours. It just seems too important, you know…” he trailed off, blushing.

Sirius placed a gentle hand on Remus’s arm, causing Remus’s insides to constrict.

“Hey, it’s okay,” said Sirius, and removed his hand. “Hmm… well, what about that thing some people do? Friends with benefits?”

Remus looked up at him and shook his head.

“Yeah, no, I don’t really like that idea too much either.”

“We could… like… not call it anything yet… or, I don’t know.”

Sirius seemed to consider this for a moment.

“Why don’t we just be friends who… like each other? For a while?”

Remus considered this.

“Okay. Sure,” he said, nodding slowly. “Er, but, what about, like… um…”

“We don’t need to  _ do _ anything yet. If you don’t want.”

“It isn’t that I don’t want to. I mean, I kind of do. But it freaks me out. I don’t want to fuck things up. I mean, are you sure you even forgive me? I don’t want you to feel like you need to.”

“I do forgive you. Honestly, I wasn’t ever that angry, just kind of sad. But I think the majority of that sadness was just from not talking to you. So I’m done being upset.”

“Okay. But I still don’t think I can do anything, er, intimate.”

Sirius smiled. “Then we’ll wait.”

“Okay. We’ll wait. That’s good.”

A silence filled the room as Remus ran all of this information through his mind.

“So, do you want some spaghetti? It’s kinda shit, but it’s made. You can have some,” said Sirius. Remus smiled.

“What? Master Chef Sirius Black fucking up a dish? What happened to you?”

“Nothing! It’s not my fault. No, get this. I bought the fucking  _ whole-grain _ kind. I didn’t even realize that’s what is said on the label until it was too late.”

“Whole-grain? Oh my god.”

Remus nudged Sirius, circling around the kitchen bar to serve himself some subpar spaghetti.

He was grateful for the abrupt change of subject, but he thought about the conclusion they’d come to as he spooned himself vodka cream sauce. It wasn’t completely ideal, but Remus supposed real life was never completely ideal. Things don’t turn out happy and perfect, all previous problems eradicated. You make do with what you have.


	13. Chapter 13

As winter dwindled away, the hill behind the house sprouted a lush covering of grass. Remus Lupin walked along the verdant trail to an entrance of the forest, arm-in-arm with his best friend, Sirius.

Since things had been mostly smoothed over with Sirius, Remus had been trying to share his thoughts more often and allow himself to explore feelings he normally wouldn’t have liked to feel. It was difficult and uncomfortable most of the time, but one thing Remus did find is that he felt more grounded in his surroundings and the people around him. Opening himself up to others still may have been his greatest fear, but every day he discovered new rewards of human intimacy. He’d been spending time with Sirius, and he felt like they knew each other better than ever before. He wouldn’t shy dramatically or noticeably away when a moment of mutual affection transpired between them, though the physical extent these had reached as of yet were casual contact while watching a movie or a light touch while having a conversation. More often, it would be a cheeky but sincere reminder of the way one felt about the other, or simple affirmations of friendly love. Remus felt like he knew himself better as well, and he thought he was slowly but surely becoming a person he could actually admire and feel proud of.

James and Sirius were still best friends, but a bond had sprouted between Sirius and Remus that was completely different. The fact that they now lived alone together definitely had something to do with it, but Remus reminded himself occasionally that Sirius would doubtfully ever feel the romantic attraction for James as he did for Remus. 

Giggling about something inconsequential, the two boys approached the hill. Coming to a stop on a soft patch of earth, Sirius steadied Remus by the shoulders in position a couple feet away from him. He stepped back and brandished his wand, pointing it in the air between the two of them.

“Okay,” he said, grinning. “Check it out.”

“Okay, I’m ready,” said Remus.

_ “Chromigra _ ,” said Sirius breathlessly with a fluid flick of his wrist. Several streams of primary colors seeped from the end of his wand and began swirling in midair.

“Woah,” Remus said, dazzled by the sudden display before his eyes.

“I know, I know. It gets better, look,” said Sirius. With a flick of his wand, the colors began to mix slowly together, producing a bright shade of green, a vibrant purple, and a glowing orange, replacing the three pre-existing colors.

“Did you learn this in school?” Remus asked. Sirius smiled.

“No, I actually made it up myself,” he said.

“Shit, really? That’s amazing,” he said, half smiling, half frowning in awe. 

“Look.” Sirius turned his wand and jabbed at the air with it. The colors vanished, leaving nothing but a wisp of smoke in the air. Remus gasped despite himself.

“I’m working on being able to keep all six of them present at the same time, but it takes a lot of precision,” said Sirius. He let out a breath and looked at Remus. “Okay, now you show me something cool,” he said. Remus raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t know anything cool.”

“Oh, come on. That astronomy class didn’t teach you how to, like, open up a black hole or anything?”

He snorted. “I wish. Let’s just eat our lunch, yeah?”

Sirius poked his stomach, causing Remus to flinch and bat away his hand.

He sat down on the grass and pulled two sandwiches out of his bag, handing one to Sirius who joined him sitting.

The pair sat under the warmth of the sun, eating, talking, and laughing. Sirius was telling a story he’d heard from Peter about how he and one of his friends missed the last bus down from a Cathedral and ended up having to hitch a ride with a Spanish family, resulting in a nightmarish encounter with their rabid dog and overly friendly grandmother.

Remus looked joyfully into the eyes of his exuberant friend as he struggled to stop laughing long enough to finish his own story. Remus felt an immense sense of comfort as he laughed along to the idiotic narrative and the pure, unadulterated joy Sirius garnered from it. His shining, gleeful face seemed to Remus to contain an invitation he was unable to decline.

Deciding in an instant what he was going to do, Remus put the remains of his sandwich down on the grass and swiftly moved his body across the space between himself and Sirius’s giggling. Still grinning, Sirius’s eyebrows raised in surprise as Remus leaned forward, but Remus pressed their lips together, causing Sirius to make a surprised squeak, but very quickly reciprocate the movements. Remus smiled into the kiss at the fleeting thought of the story and the feeling of himself and Sirius finally united.


End file.
